Insta

(Holidays desserts tomorrow)

Welcome to my last installment of Instagram Diaries for 2021. These are the comments I made in 2021 that got the most “likes.” This is not to brag, but to show you what a fecking eejit I am.

A father shown watching his daughter film a Tik Tok video on their porch. He looked horrified, like he was wondering if that was where his tuition money was going.

My comment: “Kids trying to get famous on Tik Tok is so sad.” (710 likes at printing)

Note: The beautiful young girl in the video actually commented to me that she does it only for fun, and that’s she not trying to get famous.

A young girl wearing a mask while getting on a really cool plastic see-through slide in the mountains of El Salvador.

Question: Would you go on this slide in El Salvador?

My comment: “Not with a face diaper on I wouldn’t.” (231 likes)

Video of Doja Cat and the captions, “Doja Cat is the Moment.”

My comment: “I like her but what’s so great about this video?” (189 likes)

Note: She was literally just standing on stage and singing. Not doing anything special.

Christina Applegate’s birthday announcement

My comment: “Gorgeous and talented love her!” (142 likes)

Picture of Kyle Rittenhouse posing with Donald Trump

“Love it- how many libs just threw up in their mouths a little bit after looking at this pic?” (109 likes)

Post asks question: What is your toxic trait?

My comment: “Buying fresh basil and mint, letting it wilt in fridge and then throwing it out.” (105 likes)

Pregnant fit girl crushing her workout.

My comment: “People who criticize pregnant women for working out are so misinformed.” (92 likes)

Golf babe with bad swing and skirt up her schnooker.

“Spare me.” (80 likes)

Ruminations

My brain is tired, give me a break this week, I beg you. Tomorrow I will talk about holiday desserts, but for now, here are some things I texted myself this week:

Barbie houses are still cool, I don’t care how feminists try to demonize Barbie and the color pink. What’s so wrong about looking hot and wearing pink? The Pink Panther does it.

Why don’t Legos have price tags on them? Why hide the price on the wire shelf, like we don’t know plastic bricks cost 29.99?

Why would an orthodontist need a truck with his logo on it? Is he making house calls?

When you talk on a cell phone in public, really loudly, knowing people hate you for it, do you take pleasure in that hatred? Is it a free will thing? Or were you dropped on your head as a baby?

Why does a Christmas cookie with morning coffee seem so indulgent before Christmas, but so nefarious after?

$20 gift idea for a sister, mom, aunt or GF: the winter issue of Bella Grace magazine. Bella Grace is more like a photography book than a magazine, and it’s the perfect reading material for her to curl up with, along with a blanket and a cup of tea. Oh, and I have an article in there on page 106.

‘Tis the season to be self-serving, fa la la la la, la la la la.

Boob Tube

(No, this post is not about bras. Listen, if you have signed up for my newsletter, and have received nothing, I apologize. We’re working on it. There seems to be a glitch with Mailchimp. Thanks for your patience. As soon as I get my email list going, I’ll send out some freebies).

I always seem to be out of the prime-time loop.

When colleagues were going around talking about gabagool and Anthony Soprano, I was like, “Who?”

Then everything was about Walter White, and I was like, “Who?”

Suddenly, Winter was coming, Michael Scott was a dick, and It Was Always Sunny in Philadelphia. There was something or other about squid, and now I’m seeing posts about something called “Succession.”

Not being a binge watcher leaves me bereft of a lot of pithy cultural allusions. If I ever do have the time and the patience to sit and watch television for hours (I can barely sit still for a sixty minute pedicure), here are the shows I would watch:

“Brooklyn Nine-Nine.” Andy Samberg, brilliant in everything he does.

“Yellowstone.” Kevin Costner, my lifelong crush, still gorgeous. And Kelly Reilly, jeez, how can a woman be this beautiful?

“Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Larry David, my comedy guru. I identify so closely with Larry David, it’s unnerving. How long would it take for me to watch eleven seasons?

“South Park.” Makes me laugh until it’s hard to breathe. Mesmerizingly brilliant.

“Billionaire,” and “House of Cards.” Paul Giamatti and Kevin Spacey, and best casts in the world.

“The Undoing.” I wanted so much to watch this mini-series with Hugh Grant and Nicole Kidman, but I couldn’t work it out.

“American Horror Story.” Right up my alley.

“Veep.” Julia Louise, with her perfect comedic timing.

“Sharp Objects.” Intriguing.

Shush…

The black comedy “Downhill” received mixed reviews, but I found it intriguing.

Watching this movie starring Julia Louise-Dreyfus and Will Ferrell is like spending two hours with a married couple who hate each other. They put on a good act, but the animosity between them is palpable. Suddenly, halfway through dinner, you realize that you’re enjoying yourself. That you can’t look away. Because you are forced to admit that being enmeshed in their misery is entertaining, because their unmitigated loathing of each other makes you feel better about your own relationship.

Human nature.

Rent it, but don’t blame me if you hate it. Despite their comedy chops, Louise-Dreyfus and Ferrell don’t crack any jokes in this film. None. Zero. That’s why it’s a black comedy, silly. When a devoted husband and father runs away from an avalanche instead of running towards his family to protect them, it tends to create, er, tension.

Enough of this, all I wanted to do was post some of my favorite movie ski scenes.

“Downhill.” This sole funny scene from “Downhill” is after Dreyfus spends the day with a hot young ski instructor, and then takes a “break” in the ladies room. Let’s just say that if it were Elaine Benes, she is most certainly not Mistress of Her Domain in this scene.

“Bridget Jones’ Diary.” This is just fun, and reminds me of the first time I skied with my late husband.

“Ski School.” This is one of the infantile kind of movies that appeals to my infantile sense of humor. This movie is all about drinking, sex and skiing, with a little intrigue thrown in for good measure. My friends and I used to take small ski trips in college, and the ski patrols are often like this. Super fun to rent and laugh. Here’s the trailer.

“Better Off Dead.” Before helmets, and when the inexperienced just wore jeans and Members Only jackets. John Cusack at his best.

Shana from “SNL.” Ski lodge skit. Kristen Wiig. Andy Samberg. Perfection. Do yourself a favor and watch to the end.

Cranksgiving

(This is my last post for the week, see you on Monday. I will also be away for the Christmas holidays, so there will be no posts from the 25th to the 1st either).

Did you know that Cranksgiving is actually a thing around the country? Something about a scavenger hunt, a food drive, and a bike ride. Sounds like a blast. I love people who do good around the holidays, especially when they’re not me.

So in honor of Cranksgiving, here are some things I am NOT grateful for, dagnabbit:

Laundry. All the boys are back, and so is their laundry. I wish there was a laundry chute to hell I could throw it all down. NO, I don’t do their laundry, but it still takes up so much space in my back room. And their clothes are all so threadbare, what have they done with all of the clothes I’ve bought them for twenty years? The nice button-downs, the khakis, the crisp long-sleeved t-shirts? Their laundry looks like laundry for the cast of “The Little Rascals.”

Trashed Kitchen. Breakfast sandwiches, frozen pizzas, pots of pasta, hard-boiled eggs, lasagna, cold-cut sandwiches, pork products, cheese nachos, takeout, bowls of cereal, winter salads. We’re no sooner cleaning up from breakfast when someone is ready for lunch, and then it’s time for me to cook dinner or for Thanksgiving. Jeez Louise.

Coats and Shoes. Carhartt jackets, varsity lettermen jackets, golf windbreakers, hoodies, foul weather gear. Slip-ons, sneakers, golf shoes, sneakers, Uggs, sneakers, slippers, Uggs. My house is a sea of coats and shoes this time of year, there is just no controlling it.

Papers. Papers to read, papers to grade, just a sea of papers. And that’s not even counting emails. When you’re a teacher, there is always a requisite pile of papers to get through before you can even THINK of beginning to enjoy the holidays. It was my favorite part of my 23-minute retirement, not having papers to grade. Aaaaaaand, here I am again.

People who talk about watching holiday calories. Can’t you just shut up and let the country enjoy a day of gluttony? You’re a pain in the ass, and no one cares about the calories in dark meat, or about how many miles you ran Thanksgiving morning. Oh, you need to run after Thanksgiving dinner to burn off your calories? Great, lace up and fuck off.

That’s it for me. Enjoy yourselves, especially my fellow Cranks.

Halloween Stuff

Have a great Halloween weekend. Here are five tricks-and-treats for you.

The 2021 Halloween Light House. These used to be simple videos made by Halloween lovers, now light houses are a major competition. Regardless, here is the best 2021 Halloween Light-Up house. It’s 20 minutes long, but fun and impressive to watch even if you only have a minute or two.

Funny Onion slideshow “Trick-Or-Treating Dangers Every Parent Should Watch Out For“:

https://www.theonion.com/trick-or-treating-dangers-every-parent-should-watch-out-1847905091

“Veronica” and “It Follows.” If you don’t know by now that I am a horror movie buff, you’ve only just joined us. This past week I had a craving for something different, and my sons suggested “Veronica” and “It Follows.” Both deeply cinematic and disturbing on a level that is hard to put your finger on. “Veronica” is on Netflix, and “It Follows” can be rented on Hulu or Amazon. Neither end well, so prepare yourself.

Candy Corn Martini. Is there any candy more Halloween-esque than candy corn? If so, I can’t think of it. This adorable drink is the candy corn every adult dreams of getting in their trick-or-treat bag. It’s a layer of grenadine topped with a layer of vodka and pineapple juice and some fluffy, tasty whipped cream on top. It looks just like candy corn in a glass, tastes terrific, and will have you doing the Monster Mash in no time.

Fun Halloween stuff. Super fun slideshow to enjoy the Halloween weekend.

If worst comes to worst, watch the Eagles (2-5) play the Detroit Lions (0-7) on Sunday. That’ll scare the shit out of you for sure.

Death of the Rom-Com

The most current five stories on our local newsfeed:

Insidious insects headed not only to New Jersey, but for your house. They’re coming right for you, right now. Get that caulk gun ready.

School dance gone very, very wrong, sans pig’s blood.

Body found on a beach.

Tainted beef gravy recalls.

School nurses on the front line of the pandemic.

Look at those again. Seriously? Now that must be an uplifting place to work. The morning staff meeting must be a blast. What do they provide for breakfast? Coffee, doughnuts and a bowl of Prozac?

(Afternote: At the publishing of this post, I had to add these two headlines: “Deer colliding with motorists increased in 2021,” and “Two die in bus crash.” Strangely enough the Monday headlines are more effervescent, and deal with protecting special needs students on school buses and a fundraiser for health care workers).

The fear-mongering media is nothing new, and the lack of feel-good stories is not surprising. I have to share in the blame, because the first three non-fiction essays I asked my classes to analyze this semester dealt with the futility of adult existence, the proliferation of school shootings in the 90’s, and a sociological study of a serial killer. One of my students asked in Zoom:

Are we going to read anything uplifting this semester?

Me: No. Subscribe to Disney+.

Uplifting just doesn’t sell.

Top movies in the movie theaters right now:

“Halloween Kills.”

“The Last Duel.”

“The Blazing World.”

“No Time to Die.”

“Venom.”

Yep, more feel-good stuff there. And don’t blame Halloween. “Halloween Kills” is the lightest fare of the five. Since the pandemic has wreaked such havoc on our country socially and politically, Hollywood has just…fizzled out. Right?

Movies used to be an escape, a place where we could feel happy, scared, or titillated for a couple of hours, a place where we could leave our troubles at the door. Armed with a bucket of buttered popcorn, Raisinets and a fizzy soda, we could enter into an alternate existence. We could watch Harrison Ford run from bad guys. Kevin Costner play golf. Meg Ryan fake an orgasm, Julia Roberts go to the opera, Tom Cruise show us the money. We could escape from our heads for a little while.

Now there’s no escape. The droning insistent cacophony in our heads is the same droning insistent cacophony we see up on the screen. Where are the feel-good movies about sports? Love triangles? Gentle family dramas? High school hi-jinx? Travel, career, falling in love with Mr. Wrong, who turns out to be Mr. Very Very Right?

Jeez, everything now is so heavy, laden with purpose and metaphor, bogged down in political correctness and sociological messaging. Media messaging is like an anchor pulling at the legs of studio moguls, forcing them to spit out this politically-correct drivel that no one wants to go see. Except for superhero Marvel movies, people would prefer to get their feel-goodness from renting the stuff they enjoy watching from their own couch. How are these studios making any money? How are movie stars making any money? The industry needs something to save it.

You know what we need? I’ll tell you what we need.

We need the Rom-Com back. Where are all of the Julia Roberts? Meg Ryans? Tom Hanks? Sandra Bullocks? Diane Keatons, Meryl Streeps, John Cusacks?

God, I miss the Rom-Com. My favorites:

“Something’s Gotta Give.”

“As Good As It Gets.”

“The Proposal.”

“Crazy, Stupid, Love.”

“Dear John.”

“Forgetting Sarah Marshall.”

“She’s Out of Your League.”

The Brigitte Jones franchise, before Renee Zelwigger screwed up her face with plastic surgery.

“Tootsie.”

“Enough Said.”

“Notting Hill.”

Literally any movie with Meg Ryan, before she screwed up her face, too.

“Four Weddings and a Funeral.”

Molly Ringwald and any Brat Pack movie.

“Working Girl.”

Kevin Costner. ‘Nuff said.

“Say Anything.”

“Groundhog Day.”

“Moonstruck.”

“Broadcast News.”

I know Netflix is trying its best in the genre, but sitting in one’s living room is not the same as sitting in a movie theater with a bucket of popcorn just losing yourself for a few hours. And TBH, I don’t even know what movie stars right now could even pull off a rom-com in this day and age. What actress do we have now that would agree to star in a simple movie about the popular girl in high school falling in love with a nerd? What actor would put down his political cudgel long enough to play the part of a high school football star who really wants to be an artist? And when will Scarlett Johannson get back to me about playing me in the movie that will be adapted from my book?

I mean, Scarlett, you only have more two years to sign on, or we’re going to have to go with someone else.

Regardless, when it comes to rom-coms and Meg Ryan’s brilliance:

I’ll have what she’s having.

Musical Feels

Just a fun post of some songs that sound like what they’re singing about.

“We Go Driving” by Kat Higgins. Yeah, you know that story. Here’s to motherhood in all its shapes and sizes.

“Fireflies” by OWL City. If ten million fireflies were buzzing around me, I’m sure the combined sound of their wings would sound like this song.

“River” by Joni Mitchell. Winter, Christmas, skating on frozen rivers….this song just evokes so many feelings about the winter season.

“Dreams” by the Cranberries reminds me of fall, most likely because of the movie “You’ve Got Mail.” Regardless, I play this song loud when I’m driving in my car in the fall. I mean real fall, not this warm, humid, foggy, crampy excuse of a Jersey season. By the time Jersey gives us fall, it’ll be winter. Jersey never disappoints. Ugh.

“Bright” by Echosmith. This song sounds like the way love should feel. Not the haunting, exhausting, pain-ridden kind of love, but the nice kind. The easy natural kind. Love the way it should be. Sweet, easy, and melodic. Filled with light and flowers. The type of love that gives you a pep to your step, and makes colors brighter and breezes sweeter. The lead singer looks startlingly like Anna Kendrick, and has the sweetest voice.

“Summer Breeze” by Seals and Croft. Although the song starts a tad discordantly, this song will forever remind me of my childhood summers.

“Use Me” by Bill Withers. Sex. I remember it faintly as something I enjoyed. Love this song, just Bill Withers on stage, jamming. Cool personified.

“The House That Built Me” by Miranda Lambert. The wonders and magic of childhood, and the regret you feel as an adult that perhaps you didn’t appreciate it when you were living it. Ever go home to check on your old house and yard, and it looks so…small? I will never, ever, ever, as long as I live, forgive Blake Shelton for leaving beautiful Miranda. I mean, look at that face- how could he leave that face? If he comes on the radio, I turn him off. Love you, Miranda.

“Landslide” by Stevie Nicks. Reminds me of my sons. Every smile, laugh, piece and particle of them. One Christmas they bought me a beautiful framed graphic of the first verse. It sits prominently in my bedroom, where I can read it whenever I want. When it comes on the radio, all talking ceases. It’s our family soundtrack, and sure to make me cry with joy every time. Stevie Nicks just perfect in her perfection.

Yada

I promised you hiking spots today, but it’s not going to happen. Ironically I’m in one of my favorite hiking spots right now, but I underestimated the drive time, and it’s late on Thursday night. So let me just catch you up on some Chrysalis Collective haps, and send you into your weekend.

Widow and Widower Meetup Group. People have been asking me for a long time to start a Meetup Group for 55+ widows and widowers, and the demand is high. So I put one together on a lark last weekend, and decided to just check in on it. It already has 45 members ready to get started. So please send the link to any widow or widower you know, because we’ll be planning our first event soon. Make sure you tell them this is not a grief group- it’s a life group, a place to come to discuss change, transition, travel, and career. Tell them to contact me if they have any questions. As expected there are more widows than widowers. Want to take a guess why? It’s a chapter in my book coming out next year, so I’ll give you a preview: widows use their widowhood for improvement, career and travel. Widowers grieve for awhile, and then look for another woman to take care of them. Don’t get your panties in a wad, this is statistically proven. Men can’t be alone. And single women LOVE widowers, can’t get enough of them, so widowers get snapped up. That’s why you’ve probably never met a widower. They remarry almost immediately.

https://www.meetup.com/new-jersey-and-philadelphia-widows-and-widowers-meetup-group/members/

The Chrysalis Collective will be featured in the winter edition of Bella Grace magazine, so look for it soon. We will have a stand-alone article on “Things to Do Just Because.” It is a great honor to be featured in a nationally-ranked magazine, and we’re so honored and excited!

Newletter. If you have signed up for my newsletter, I can’t apologize enough if you haven’t received anything. I will be investigating Mail Chimp this weekend to figure out where your emails are going.

Chrysalis Collective Store. Soon there will be downloadables, coffee mugs with the Chrysalis Collective logo, and Chrysalis Collective flip desk calendars, just to start. You can define “soon” as 2022. Have patience with me readers, I took on a lot of teaching this semester, so I do as much CC stuff on the weekends as I can.

Media. I have been appearing on national podcasts and radio shows since my publicity summit ended, and it has been so fun. I will be doing media all of 2021-2022, so if anyone wants to check out my Press Kit, send it along to any media that is interested. But don’t wait, my calendar is already booking into 2022. If you’re not sure what I present on, email me and I’ll send you my One-Sheet.

maryoves.com. Hey, I have an author site as it turns out! When I asked my BRILLIANT AND PATIENT website designer if I could buy maryoves.com, she informed me that we already did. So if anyone wants to search for me that way, it defaults to CC. Kinda cool how smart other people are.

Native products. Have you checked out their new Coffee Haus collection? Why not? Get to it!!! Just kidding, but they’re all so delicious and yummy, I don’t know why people still buy smelly, boring drugstore products when you can use safe and environmentally-friendly products that smell like scents such as Oat Milk Latte and Matcha and Sweet Cream. Oh, and they have plastic-free containers. But be dull and boring, see if we care.

Billy Joel. Billy has his own channel on Sirius channel 60 for the month of October. Just a side-note!

Carpe Diem!!

Fall for These Movies

Hey Jersey, what’s up? Ummm, some of us are waiting impatiently for the approximately six minutes of fall we get around here, so if you wouldn’t mind shaking a tail feather and delivering it toot sweet. And it’s not just me now. I’ve talked to a half dozen people who are miffed that they had to close up their houses again. We don’t want this humidity and warmth, it’s the MIDDLE OF GOSH DANG OCTOBER, CAN YOU GIVE US A BREAK ALREADY?

Sheesh.

So since the weather isn’t exactly cooperating, if you need some fall motivation, here are some movies that celebrate fall the way it feels.

“You’ve Got Mail.” Just the opening sequence feels like falling leaves!

“When Harry Met Sally.” Meg again, with Billy Crystal. What a pairing. Cutest scene, and one day Meg Ryan’s fashion in this movie will be crushed over just as much as Diane Keaton in Annie Hall.

“Halloween.” I know, it’s a slasher film, but the fall scenes ARE scenes from my childhood. The fading dusky light, the skittering leaves, and the time when friends talked and walked, and didn’t hold cell phones.

“Stepmom.” I love this scene where Susan Sarandon relaxes outside in her yard wearing her comfy fall outfit.

“Sweet Home Alabama.” This is a sweet compilation, the fall part of the scene is around minute 3:30.

Tomorrow: Great local hiking spots if, like me, you can’t go too far this fall!