Suddenly…

Hey, do you know that feeling of hitching up a long skirt so you don’t fall on your face when walking upstairs, and then you immediately become a wretched yet resolute Jane Austen character? It’s a universal thing, right?

I wish I could take credit for this. Because it is a universal thing, for women. I can’t speak for men, but women know those moments.

Staring out the window during a rainstorm, sipping tea, listening to a sad song and feeling like a rom com character who had to break up with the “guy,” but wishing he had been…better.

Staring into a fireplace with snow falling, thinking of your ancestors who didn’t have a Zippo to light their own fires they needed to survive.

Diving into the ocean, feeling like a literary heroine in a Kate Chopin novel, wondering, “If I just keep swimming and disappear, I can start a new life.”

I have been involved in an Instagram thread that has brought me so much laughter and happiness, I thought it is the perfect way to start blogging again. To know that as women, we all have this in common. That of removing ourselves mentally and emotionally from a moment or situation, and imagining we are someone else of days gone by.

Here are some “moments” in the thread:

Washing dishes and rubbing your forehead with the back of your hand, because you suddenly realize you must churn butter for supper.

Eating stew with bread and suddenly you’re in a medieval inn eating your first hot meal after a fortnight on the road.

Running down the stairs with a long skirt, suddenly a princess escaping the castle under siege.

Your shoes making a clacking noise on a marble floor and suddenly you’re a fashion maven followed by your three assistants.

Wearing an oversize sweater with long sleeves, gripping your warm coffee mug and suddenly you’re a middle-aged successful author who writes self-help books and has slender fingers.

When it begins to rain unexpectedly and you don’t have an umbrella, so you pull your scarf over your head and suddenly now you’re an eastern European peasant woman trying to survive the Nazis.

You bring in wood for the fire, and suddenly you’re a wretched poor woman who lives alone in a small wooden shack on the moors because you wouldn’t conform and marry the middle-aged captain.

Walking along with a child on your hip and suddenly feeling like an impoverished  washerwoman with a brood of children walking to meet her husband from the mines.

Wearing a scarf over your head on a cold winter day, you turn your head to look and suddenly you’re the French Lieutenant’s woman.

Eating bread, cheese and stew and suddenly now you’re Heidi, living with Grandfather.

That’s only a small sample. Makes me proud to be a woman. The one comment from a man was:

“These comments confuse and intrigue me.”

Indeed.

Love and Time

Once upon a time there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love.

One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all constructed boats and left. Except for Love. Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment.

When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing Love in a grand boat. Love said, “Richness, can you take me with you?” Richness answered, “No, I can’t. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you.”

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. “Vanity, please help me!” “I can’t help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat,” Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked, “Sadness, let me go with you.” “Oh….Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself.”

Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her.

Suddenly there was a voice, “Come, Love, I will take you.” It was an elder. So blessed and overjoyed, Love even forgot to ask the elder where they were going.

When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way. Realizing how much was owed the elder, Love asked Knowledge, another elder, “Who helped me?” “It was Time,” Knowledge answered. “Time?” asked Love. “But why did Time help me?” Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered…

“Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is.”

Merry Christmas.

SRFS UP

Vanity plates are so….vain. And while I myself AM vain, I see no need to broadcast my vanity to cars idling in back of me. So when my lease ended on my Audi, and my new plates arrived, I knew immediately what I was in for.

My plate spelled out “SRF.” Clearly indicating someone who loves to surf, someone who loves the beach, someone who loves the water above all else. Right? If you’re going to pay money for an acronym to be spelled out on your license plate, it should spell out something that you adore above all else.

Right? Like: DOGZ. NYCTY. CHEEZ. Or HRVRD.

(At this point in time, I can’t imagine ANYONE bragging about attending Harvard. What an embarrassing institution).

Anyhoo, the SRF is NOT the topography I adore above all else. MNTS, maybe. Or DSRT. But not SRF.

Here’s a smattering of what I have gotten so far:

Wawa Attendant: “Like to surf?” Me: No.

Guy next to me in hotel parking lot: “You from Surf City?” Me: No.

Guy pumping gas next to me at a Sheetz: “I guess you like the water, har har.” Me: Not really. Har har.

Just recently a new acquaintance at a tailgate: “Surf’s up,” then he did that hang ten hand gesture. Me: “What does that mean?”

Oh, let it end.

Oh How Lovely Was the Morning

Early Monday morning I was taking a shower and listening to music before leaving for campus. My wireless speaker was perched on the bathroom windowsill, and while I was blow drying my hair, a song came on with so much bass that the vibration actually gyrated the speaker off the windowsill and into the toilet. Alarmed, I dropped my $150 Baby Bliss blow dryer, whereupon the plastic backing cracked off the filter and flew across the bathroom floor. Nonplussed, I scooped my speaker out of the toilet with the intention to soak it in a container of rice, since I have heard that works well with iPhones. On my way out of the bathroom, the Baby Bliss cord wrapped around my foot, and the force broke off the plug. Not to be deterred, I continued on downstairs and immediately buried the speaker in the rice, whereupon it actually continued to play “Oh How Lovely Was the Morning” by David Tolk. Gratified that I had hopefully made it in time to at least save the speaker, I went upstairs to assess the blow dryer damage, and knew immediately that the Baby Bliss was unsalvageable. Needing to leave for campus in fifteen minutes so as to have time to make copies upon my arrival, I dug in my bathroom closet for my spare travel blow dryer, remembering not so quickly that I had brought it to Tarrytown, New York the weekend before. That travel bag already stored back in the attic, I began the ominous ascent into the attic, wishing my boys were home, and hoping no old witch was buried up there for a coven meeting, like in the movie “Hereditary.” Gripping the bag, it slipped out of my hands and onto the ground below, denting the expensive gray leather. Closing the attic door quickly so the witches would not be able to grab me that night in my sleep, and running incredibly late, I dried my hair, and left for class. I was ostensibly late for class and copy-less, resigned to having to use the projector lamp, but was not surprised to see that it was not projecting anything but defeat. My teaching effectiveness that day was a lukewarm 2/10.

Home later that day, enjoying a visit from my oldest son, I regaled him with the tale of my day, adding that at least I had saved the speaker. Munching salad out of a bowl, he glanced at my speaker.

“Good job, Mom,” he said, as he rinsed the bowl in the sink. “That’s a waterproof speaker.”

Oh, how lovely was the morning.

Do Your Work

You ever hear of Dean Briggs? I didn’t, until recently. Great quote by him, reminding us that it is not our leisure that brings us satisfaction and happiness, but our work. People who don’t work confound me. How much free time do you need? How do you achieve fulfillment, contentment? What do you do with all of that empty space in your heart?

(Netflix has entered the chat)

I’m not judging, or casting aspersions, I’ve just never understood it. And I don’t refer to sectegenarians or octogenarians who have earned rest and leisure, I’m talking about the able-bodied and energetic. Too much leisure time leaves you too much time to get in trouble, if you ask me.

Ah, the irony.

Dean:

Do your work.

Not just your work,

Do a little more.

But that little is worth more

Than all the rest.

And if you suffer,

As you must,

And if you doubt,

As you must,

Do your work.

Put your heart into it,

And the sky will clear.

Then out of your doubt and suffering

Will be born the supreme joy

Of life.

-Dean Briggs

How to Prove You’re Not an Idiot

Mary needs to get into a secure website.

Computer: Good evening. Prove you’re not a robot.

Me: But YOU’RE a robot.

C: That’s how I’ll know if you’re one of us.

Me: Fine.

C: Choose all pictures of bridges.

Me: Chooses.

C: Nope. Try again to choose all pictures of bridges.

Me: Chooses.

C: No. Just choose the squares that have pictures of bridges.

Me: I did! I mean, is a walkway considered a bridge? (Chooses).

C: Listen, just choose one picture of a bridge.

Me: Chooses.

C: (Sigh) Let’s try something else. Choose pictures of bikes.

Me: Chooses.

C: No, just bikes.

Me: Chooses.

C: If the tire is in the square, it’s a bike.

Me: I know!

C: Try again.

Me: Chooses.

C: Let’s try trees. Choose all squares that have pictures of trees.

Me: Self-esteem at an all-time low, chooses.

C: Do you know what a tree looks like?

Me: Is verbal abuse part of this process?

C: If any part of any kind of tree is in the square, choose it!

Me: I know! Is a bush a tree? Is that a trick?

C: If you are a human, you would know the answer to that question.

Me: Chooses.

C: O.k. Choose any square that has any picture of anything.

Me: Chooses.

C: Success. Congratulations. You just proved you’re not an idiot.

Me: I don’t know about that.

Lil’ Things Part II

(Thank you for asking about my book signings. I’m just too busy, so it won’t happen this fall).

There was this great day when I was a high school English teacher. Many great days, but like this day, some were greater than others.

I was dragging on this day. Rainy, cold, wet, like today. I don’t remember the year, it was a long time ago, 15-20 years ago, because my twins were very young, and they were running me ragged. On this day, I remember a senior peeking his head into my room with his morning coffee to say hello to me as I was teaching, and I remarked how good it smelled. This was before Keurig machines in the teacher’s lounge.

“I’ll get you one next time,” he said.

“Do it, and you’ll get extra credit. That goes for the lot of you,” I gestured to my class. We laughed and moved on with the lesson.

The next day, throughout the day, at least twenty coffees were brought to me. Maybe more. One student even had his dad bring me a coffee to the office. I drank some of them, but obviously could not drink them all, so we delivered them to other teachers. I brought a couple of them home for my neighbors.

It stands out as one of the greatest days of my teaching career. What is it about someone bringing you coffee that renders you a blubbering sentimental fool?

Life is what it is.

(Note: I never write about current work. But this next story has to be recorded).

So on an innocuous day last month, I remember telling a class about this great coffee day I had, how touching it was that those students orchestrated something so grand. How I never forgot it, and how good coffee tastes when someone else brings it to you.

Ain’t that the truth?

Then a few weeks later I was on campus, accepting essays from all of my classes. Essay days are tiring days in my semester, filled with personal instruction and reminders, and editing, and revising, and constant back-and-forth monologue. I was tired, it was cold and rainy out, and coffee only a fleeting thought, and at least three hours away.

Suddenly I heard the door open behind me, and a Wawa coffee was plunked down in front of me. I turned to see one of my students, a tall personable young man who often comes in early to discuss literature. He said nothing, just flashed his million-dollar smile, accepted my thanks with grace, signed his essay in, smiled again, and left.

I watched him amble his way down the hallway clutching his own Wawa coffee, and sipped mine. It was possibly the best sip of coffee I have ever had in my life. And as I continued sipping, I tried to play it down.

It’s just coffee, it’s just coffee, it’s just coffee.

But I was a blubbering fool on the way home. Making coffee for someone, bringing coffee to someone, is the purest and sweetest and most selfless of gestures. So if someone brings you coffee this week, or makes some for you, be eternally grateful. It is one of the simple joys of life.

And yes, all of those students got extra credit.

Lil’ Things Part I

In the thirty years during which I was a high school English teacher, there were so many memorable days. Not the kind you would think, like parties, or awards. More like moments. The kind that make your heart flutter, decades later.

Amused eye contact during a faculty meeting, followed by stifled laughter. Tacit agreement or understanding from a class during instruction. A shared laugh with a particularly beloved student.

One day I was monitoring what was called “in-school suspension,” or ISS. This was a day-long punishment in a small windowless room where suspended students sat to complete makeup work, rather than being suspended OOS (out-of-school).

A tough duty, filled with tough kids.

On this particular day, among the tough cookies, was this one boy. Let’s call him Jason. A schizophrenic, Jason was often homeless, sleeping in his car, his home life filled with abuse and addiction. He was also hard to talk to, often inserting lascivious and wildly inappropriate comments into conversation. On this day he had his head down on the desk, and while sleeping in ISS was forbidden, I left him alone, knowing he was tired from wrestling the night before. Wrestling was all he had.

Another student asked if he could sharpen his pencil, and I nodded, returning back to my work. He rose, and began cranking the pencil sharpener. Lost in my work, it wasn’t until five minutes later that I realized he was still sharpening his pencil. I watched him, observing how he was cranking the sharpener, taking as long as possible to avoid sitting back in his seat. I didn’t stop him, just let him keep sharpening, wondering how long he would go.

The comedic element of it was not lost on me. It rarely is.

Suddenly Jason raised his head to look at the boy, and then looked at me looking at the boy. Our eyes met, and we Both. Just. LOST IT.

We laughed on and off for about thirty minutes. Simply a shared moment that no one else understood. We never spoke of it, never mentioned it again. He was not that kind of a boy. But I will never forget that moment.

A few years ago I bumped into a relative of Jason’s. How is he, I asked. Fine, he said, avoiding my gaze. At the time I knew that Jason was NOT fine. But I left it alone.

I wonder if Jason knows how much joy he brought to my life these last ten years, because the memory of our moment together makes me laugh every time I think of it. I’m sure he doesn’t remember it. But I do.

The lil’ things.

Tune in Friday for Part II.

Hope Your Road is a Long One

Many thanks to my good friend Susan Cain, who emailed me and reminded me of how much I have always loved the poem “Ithaka” by C.P. Cavafy. I needed that reminder.

Oh, and here’s hoping your road is a long one

As you set out for Ithaka

hope your road is a long one,

full of adventure, full of discovery.

Laistrygonians, Cyclops,

angry Poseidon—don’t be afraid of them:

you’ll never find things like that on your way

as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,

as long as a rare excitement

stirs your spirit and your body.

Laistrygonians, Cyclops,

wild Poseidon—you won’t encounter them

unless you bring them along inside your soul,

unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

Hope your road is a long one.

May there be many summer mornings when,

with what pleasure, what joy,

you enter harbors you’re seeing for the first time;

may you stop at Phoenician trading stations

to buy fine things,

mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,

sensual perfume of every kind—

as many sensual perfumes as you can;

and may you visit many Egyptian cities

to learn and go on learning from their scholars.

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.

Arriving there is what you’re destined for.

But don’t hurry the journey at all.

Better if it lasts for years,

so you’re old by the time you reach the island,

wealthy with all you’ve gained on the way,

not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.

Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.

Without her you wouldn’t have set out.

She has nothing left to give you now.

And if you find her poor, Ithaka won’t have fooled you.

Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,

you’ll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.

KEVIN!

I like the scene in the movie “Home Alone” when Kevin is walking home with his groceries, and the bottom rips out of the grocery bag, spilling the groceries on the sidewalk. So much so that I personally recreated the same scene at work yesterday.

On long days on campus, I bring an assortment of food stuffs. Bringing a healthy assortment of snacks keeps me from drifting towards the crap machines. A crafty ploy.

Between my first and second classes, as I was waiting for the elevator, the bottom ripped out of my bag, and I’m sure my face registered the same expression Kevin’s did in the film. That look of:

WTF.

I knew why it happened. At the last minute, I had grabbed a frozen bottle of water out my freezer, ostensibly to replenish my flask at lunch. I don’t know why that frozen bottle of water was in there, probably from one of the boys drifting in and out of the house, treating our home like a Marriott, as they do.

It being humid out, the frozen bottle drenched the paper bottom of the bag. I mean, you get the idea. It was class change, so a few dozen people were passing through the hallways. A couple of good Samaritans stopped to gather my wares off the floor, and I wonder what they thought of the sundry assortment.

Listen, when I pack my lunch bag in the morning, I’m not thinking. My main goal is to simply use what I have “in the house.” This is my new adult thing: to use what is “in the house.” It is truly something I enjoy doing now that the boys are all out of the house, using whatever I have in the house since I don’t have to shop for them anymore.

I had brought:

Half veggie sandwich

5 carrot coins

8 overripe blackberries

Small plain yogurt

Half dozen Wheat Thins

Small bag of vanilla granola

2 chocolate raspberry truffles from the Ritz-Carlton in Philadelphia

2 small pieces Willy Wallaby black licorice

“Here ya go, here ya go, here ya go….”

The sandwich and licorice survived. The carrots fell out of their wrap, the blackberries disintegrated, the yogurt opened on the floor, and the rest, I’m sorry to say, suffered various life-ending morbidities. It was a real mess.

KEVIN!