Mary needs to get into a secure website.

Computer: Good evening. Prove you’re not a robot.

Me: But YOU’RE a robot.

C: That’s how I’ll know if you’re one of us.

Me: Fine.

C: Choose all pictures of bridges.

Me: Chooses.

C: Nope. Try again to choose all pictures of bridges.

Me: Chooses.

C: No. Just choose the squares that have pictures of bridges.

Me: I did! I mean, is a walkway considered a bridge? (Chooses).

C: Listen, just choose one picture of a bridge.

Me: Chooses.

C: (Sigh) Let’s try something else. Choose pictures of bikes.

Me: Chooses.

C: No, just bikes.

Me: Chooses.

C: If the tire is in the square, it’s a bike.

Me: I know!

C: Try again.

Me: Chooses.

C: Let’s try trees. Choose all squares that have pictures of trees.

Me: Self-esteem at an all-time low, chooses.

C: Do you know what a tree looks like?

Me: Is verbal abuse part of this process?

C: If any part of any kind of tree is in the square, choose it!

Me: I know! Is a bush a tree? Is that a trick?

C: If you are a human, you would know the answer to that question.

Me: Chooses.

C: O.k. Choose any square that has any picture of anything.

Me: Chooses.

C: Success. Congratulations. You just proved you’re not an idiot.

Me: I don’t know about that.