Hank the Tank

At the time of the publishing of this post, I have 1,673 likes for a comment I posted on Instagram. That just beat my past personal record of 847. Not that I’m counting, I swear I’m not. It’s just sometimes I get lucky and post something a large group of people either like or hate. Usually it’s hate. You know how I love to be a pot stirrer.

But this time it was like.

It turns out that there is a bear on the loose in California, breaking into homes in Lake Tahoe. He has been dubbed as Hank the Tank, and is using his large girth to barge into homes and garages. He is currently on the run from the police, and despite their using paintballs and sirens, they cannot keep the 500-pound animal from seeking food.

I know, I know, he is a wild animal. But he is cute. Really really cute. And I know it is dangerous for me or anyone to anthropomorphize a wild animal, but  I can’t help it. Instagram is famous for anthropomorphism. There is even a Hank the Tank fan cam.

Anyway, the funny but prescient captions about Hank the Tank terrorizing these neighborhoods started.

One guy said, “if the world is against hank, then I am against the world.”

Another said, “He just hungry and not bothering anyone leave him alone.”

Another: “Unbothered. Moisturized. Happy. In His Lane. Focused. Flourishing.”

And again: “sorry I am so distracted lately I can’t stop worrying about Hank.”

And finally: “This can’t turn into Harambe 2.0. We can’t afford another rift in the timeline.”

So I added my two cents:

“If anyone touches one hair on Hank’s head I swear…” I added three red angry face emojis.

1,520 likes.

Of course the people accusing me of valuing a wild animal’s life over human life showed up. Those people always show up. Just like after Harambe got killed, “those people” accused us of placing the child’s life over Harambe’s, just because we were angry at his death. We know the zoo folks did what they had to do. Our anger was not directed at the zoo officials who had to kill Harambe to save the child.

It was directed at the stupid-ass negligent piece of shit parents who couldn’t take the time to watch their stupid kid, who then fell into a gorilla pit.

I want to know where these parents are. I want to question them. I want to ask them if they regret that day. I mean, is that kid alive? Or did they lose him again? Does he have flashbacks? Does he remember anything about the day? Is his identity a secret? Does he regret being such a stupid little shit?

I guess if I still subscribed to People magazine, I might know these answers.

Hank’s situation is different from Harambe’s. There is no human negligence here, except for the fact that humans are encroaching on his natural territory. I’m just worried some jacktard is going to show up to be a hero, like a personal bear vigilante.

Protect Hank the Tank at all cost.

Requiem for a Toe

Ode to My Big Toenail

Hey, Big Guy. Let me start with an apology.

I’m sorry I dropped a 45-pound plate on you over a month ago. I know I fling weights around at the gym haphazardly and without regard for anyone’s safety but my own. I’m sorry.

There. I said it. So can we end this already?

I mean, even that day I knew it was over between us. The limping, the grimacing, the whining. And now it’s been over a month, and your demise is not only inevitable, it’s visually apparent. I won’t go into details about the color and texture of your death, but let’s just say it’s not pretty.

You’re not pretty.

And I don’t know if you have ever noticed, but my feet ARE pretty. I take a lot of pride in them, and I simply cannot take care of them the way I’d like to when you’re still hanging on for dear life.

Listen, normally I wouldn’t care. Normally I’d say, “Sure, what the hell, take your time!” I mean, why force the issue? But here’s the problem: My spring break is in less than four weeks. I need to be ready. I need my eyebrows tweezed, my pores cleaned, my hair highlighted, my muscles kneaded, my nether regions, er, landscaped.

I need a day of beauty, dammit!

And I need a pedicure. I need a freaking pedicure before I board a plane for Florida and talk in front of hundreds of people. But I can’t GET a pedicure, because of you.

I know I could take matters into my own hands, but I’m trying to avoid that. I never picked scabs or popped pimples, and I’m not going to start now.

I guess what I’m looking for here is a compromise. I promise to never fling heavy weights on top of you again, and you promise to go away as soon as possible. Every morning I wake up and think, “This is the day.” But it never is.

Please consider my plea. It’ll work out for all of us, in the end. I promise.

Timeless vs. Trendy

(Thank you to Ingrid Fetell Lee for the inspiration for this post)

We know that the pleasure we find in tangible objects is fleeting. Scientists call this hedonic adaptation, or the hedonic treadmill, and it describes the way that our emotional responses to objects or situations dampen over time. Like when I keep journals and pens in my cart at Target, and in an hour the excitement of finding a journal with a velvet-embossed baby elephant wears off. I end up putting it back on the shelf because it no longer seduces me.

When we buy new things we love, the purchase lights up our brain with delight. But then we just get used to it, and while it may not be worn out, its appeal has dulled and we search for the opportunity to replace it with something new again.

On and on and on.

Ingrid asked me to make a list of things in my home that bring me joy. This is only partial:

My pewter elephants. My Icelandic prints. My little jewelry bowls. The Andrew Wyeth prints in the guest bedroom. The old-fashioned kitchen timer near my stove.

I’m trying to become more cognizant of objects of desire, so that what I buy has a lasting impression to make me happy long after the purchase. So what was I left with after shopping at Target last Friday? Not much. I’ll itemize.

A jar of Vitamin C Shea Sugar scrub for 8.49. This may seem like a luxury purchase, but I’m dying for a massage scrub lately, and they run in about $150.00. Not so bad now, huh? I love spa services so much, but I can’t go every month, so I try to do as much home spa-ing as I can. I treated myself to a bath and sugar scrub after the long weekend, and let me tell you it was LUXURIOUS.

A pink stoneware coffee mug with the phrase “Cup of Happy” for $7.00. I’ve been eyeing up this mug for months. I love the color, the graphics, and the feel of the stoneware. It gives me so much pleasure every morning when I use it. I know I complain about the crowds and warmer weather, but I can’t wait for spring so I can take this mug out to my patio and drink my first cup of coffee al fresco, and greet the morning with my squirrels, bunnies and ducks.

Toppling Tower Wood Blocks Game for $14.99. Dumb purchase, but I couldn’t help it. And in my defense, I was left unsupervised in front of the Chip and Joanna Gaines’ spring Magnolia collection. It’s like Jenga with desert and earth-toned blocks. I just pictured us playing this at the dining room table after Easter brunch. Love at first sight. And even if no one plays it, it brings me joy to look at it on the counter.

That was pretty much it. I got some Tide on sale, a Burts’ Bees lip shimmer, a bathmat with tassles.

From Ingrid:

“As people, we’re not fixed entities. We grow and change over time, and that may mean a changing relationship with our things. But by keeping these principles in mind, you’ll waste less money and time on things that quickly lose their luster, and be better able to invest in things that will have timeless resonance in your life.”

Read Ingrid’s article to find the six ways to make sure you choose things that bring you renewable joy.

Toss “Em!

Better Homes and Gardens recently published an interesting article titled “19 Household Items That You Should Have Tossed Long Ago.” Despite sounding mildly accusatory, here it is if you want to read it. It’s a good piece and made me realize how I become attached to certain things, and despite sage advice, will still not toss.

Sorry, not sorry.

Dish sponges. Yeah, they gross me out. I toss them as soon as possible.

Expired condiments. I’m doing this before I leave for Florida. I don’t want to come home to any expired ranch dressings or barbeque sauces, and I want my fridge SPARKLING.

Plastic containers. Most of my leftover containers are glass Pyrex. But if you haven’t heard, those plastic containers are not meant to be kept forever. The plastic breaks down and seeps into your food when you microwave it. Get rid of them if they smell, are stained, or don’t have a lid.

Pillows. No, don’t say dust mites. And don’t show me little microscopic pictures of them in my favorite pillows, it traumatizes me. I can’t get rid of my two favorite pillows, I can’t. I’m just going to keep washing them until I move or they fall apart.

Household cleaners. I can’t throw out my household cleaners, because they are human beings that come to my house and clean. Kidding aside, cleaners lose their effectiveness over time, so toss ‘em if they’re old. That last sentence is really funny if you personify the word “cleaners.”

Cooking oils, herbs and spices. I once baked a cake with old baking powder, and you can imagine how well it turned out. Some things just don’t age well. Toss ‘em or use ‘em.

Toothbrushes. NO! I WILL NOT TOSS MY TOOTHBRUSH! I finally have it broken in! I’ll just keep cleaning it, and if you must know, my teeth are no worse for wear. Everyone is doing just fine.

Photo negatives. I have already tossed mine, but it would be just my luck that I threw away, like, negatives from the Zapruder film.

Eye makeup. I use limited eye makeup, and what I buy, I use, fast. But if you have eye sensitivity, get rid of old eye makeup.

Business cards. I recently just tossed all business cards that identified me as “The Not-It Girl.” It felt good, but again, she was where I started. I’m still proud of her, even if no one else is.

Vitamins. We take our vitamins in my house. Throw out any old vitamins, because any health benefits have been lessened considerably.

Sunscreen. Easy one. Toss it from last summer.

Opened nail polish. Nail polish should be stored in cool dark places, so it doesn’t separate. If it is separated, toss it.

Gift cards. Well, check ‘em first. They might still work. Don’t go by the expiration date, you never know.

Opened wine. Yeah, no. Stale or not, it’s getting imbibed.

Opened paint. You ever notice when workers come to paint at your home, they leave the paint cans with you? Then you’re like, “Ok, now what?” The trash guys won’t take them, and what are the odds you’ll use them again? Unlikely. Opened paint is such a burden.

CDs. Yeah, tell me to toss my CD collection, then one day they will be worth a zillion dollars. I’ve fallen for that before. I have mine stored neatly and efficiently away where they won’t bother anyone.

Appliance manuals. Good one. As soon as I read this, I tossed a dozen of them. BHG is right, everything you need to know is on YouTube or the appliance websites.

Bleach. Common sense, I guess.

There you have it. Get to work!

Sniff Sesh

Hey, it’s 2/2/22! And no, for your information this post is not some lame metaphorical rumination about taking the time in your life to smell the roses. You shouldn’t judge a stock image by its cover. Sheesh.

It’s about sniffing.

I was leaving a work meeting on Friday, and I was drawn to my “old” Target. The one recently built five minutes from my home is my “new” Target. But since I’m still not in love with the layout, whenever I go in there you can usually find me wandering around in circles muttering, “Where are the candles, where are the candles?”

So on Friday, for old times’ sake, I bopped into my old Target to peruse my favorite aisles.

The stationary section that has all the cool notebooks and pens. It’s vital that I use my “Dream Cart” method in this aisle, because I want to own every single notebook and pen on the face of the Earth. So I cram my cart with journals and pens, perambulate through Target for an hour, taking the time to consider the notebooks and pens in my cart. Then I return to the stationary section and put everything back. It’s all about the rush.

The makeup section that gives space and attention to the lesser known brands. We all known Revlon and Maybelline and Cover Girl, but there are some great makeup brands that don’t get the space they need to become a well-known brand. I love looking at lipsticks, and eye shadows, and blushes, but I rarely buy anything. I’m not really a makeup gal, but it’s fun to consider the brightly colored tubes and palettes.

The rug and door mat section. Call me crazy, but I love throw rugs and doormats when the seasons are changing. Everything right now is pink and coral and yellow, with bunnies and flowers thrown into the mix for good measure. Too fun.

The deodorant section. I love the Native deodorant section. They are one of my affiliates, and I’ve spoken before about my gluttonous collection of Native products. What you don’t know, however, is that I now have such an eclectic collection that I can easily put my seasonal deodorants away. For example, my son bought me a gift pack of three Christmas scents: Christmas cookie, Mistletoe and Candy Cane. They are now stored away until fall, as is Pumpkin Spice.

I have also expanded my repertoire to Native body wash and Native shampoo. Right now I am enjoying the Cucumber and Mint scent, just a clean and invigorating and yummy experience. It makes me happy every time I take a shower.

So on Friday, I was dying to see what new spring scents Native is putting out. Easter Basket? Bunny Hop? Vanilla Buttercream Egg? But when I turned the corner, another girl was there already sniffing the Native products.

Sniffing my products, in my aisle.

How dare she?

But I’m an adult, and if I’m forced to share, share I shall. So I visited the placemat section, the paper products section, the hanger section, all fun in their own way. But every time I circled back, The Sniffer was still there. I saw that she had stopped sniffing deodorants and had started on the body washes and shampoos further down the aisle.

The nerve.

So I didn’t get my Sniff Sesh in. That’s how long she stood there. And she also started looking at me funny, because I kept staring at her in the aisle, and circling her like a predator circles a potential victim. By my last check-in, I had such an attitude about her I knew I would not be in the right frame of mind to even enjoy a Sniff Sesh.

Before I left, by some miracle, there was a promoted product display, and the Cherry Vanilla and Mascarpone deodorant was featured, so I was able to grab it before leaving Target.

And in case you’re wondering, the new spring scents are:

Tie Dye Vanilla Cupcake

Fresh Peach Cupcake

Ginger Lemonade Cupcake

Mint Cookie Cupcake

But I wouldn’t count Native out yet for some really innovative Easter scents. I’ll check back.

Stuff to Do

So this is the last serious weekend of winter, and don’t you even TRY to argue. President’s Weekend is all about getting in one last ski weekend or hitting some really serious sales in outlets and stores, some up to 80%. Next week we’ll start getting barraged with emails about Easter brunches, warm spring break destinations, and spring fashion lines.

But let’s say you’re not a skier or a shopper. Don’t worry, there are still plenty of things to do for the long weekend. So since today is like a Friday, this is my Weekend Planner, filled with local, regional and national stuff.

(No blog posts tomorrow or Monday).  

In Jersey: Try not to die of shock, but the local Patch just posted a feel-good article in place of its normal death, dismemberment and plague updates. It would seem that the Cape May County Zoo has welcomed some new family members. From the Patch:

“Our breeding pair ‘Mikey’ and ‘Budette’ just had their second litter of Capybara pups since June,” zoo officials announced Tuesday.

The babies were born Feb. 3 and Budette and the babies are remaining inside until the weather warms up, the zoo said. The pups are currently about 4 pounds and are expected to weigh about 100 pounds when they reach adulthood.

But just because the babies aren’t allowed outside yet doesn’t mean you have to wait until spring to see them. The zoo welcomes visitors all year round, and the weather this weekend will range from 46-52 degrees, with brilliant sunshine. Here’s some info:

The Cape May County Zoo is open year-round and while you may not see these new Capybara babies right now, you can see almost all of our other animals who are viewable every day weather permitting. The Cape May County Park is open daily from 7 am until dusk; the Zoo is open daily from 10 a.m. until 3:30 p.m. For more information about the Parks and Zoo visit www.cmczoo.com

In Philly: From visitphilly.com:

We have four words for you: Harry Potter: The Exhibition. It makes its world premiere at The Franklin Institute on Friday. Tickets are limited for opening weekend, but any aspiring Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws and Slytherins have until September to check out the exhibition.

In New York:

Met Opera. The Met is taking a breather right now. So why mention it? Because you can get tickets for Don Carlos for February 28th.

https://www.metopera.org/calendar/#/on-stage?year=2022&month=1

Another Jersey event at the Renault Winery. From the website:

If you missed the classic sounds of the Mummers String Bands on New Year’s Day, be sure to come out to Renault for plenty of strutting at this family friendly event. We’ll be featuring festive food & drinks in our indoor & outdoor restaurants, with a variety of food trucks & vendors in tow. Plus, enjoy Ice Skating, Mummers On Ice, Contests, Build Your Own Mummers Umbrella, Photos with Mummers & more!

Don’t miss this highly anticipated event. It’s free & fun for all ages!

Rain date Sunday, February 27th.

$10 event parking (includes $10 food & beverage voucher)

Reservations recommended. To book ice skating, restaurant reservations, cabanas, fire pits, “Champagne Bubble” igloos and more, please click below.

HAVE A GREAT PREZ WEEKEND!

Going Beyond Possible

My newest toxic trait is ordering books, then returning them. Maybe returning stuff does not sound toxic to you, but I do not make a habit of rejecting books. I love all books. I’ll read a book about terrariums for your pet snake if it’s sitting around.

But lately, even when I go to Barnes and Noble, I look at books and think, “Of course I want to read that. But do I want to own that?”

Nine times out of ten the answer is no.

For example, I was recently reading a book of interviews with comedy writers, and Adam Resnick was talking about Woody Allen’s humor books. I stopped reading and put the book down.

Woody Allen’s humor writing? How could this genre have gotten past me?

So I ordered all three paperbacks from Woody Allen, and when they arrived, I stacked them up on the counter. But as I stared at the stack, I realized I had no sense of satisfaction looking at them. They were in the library, after all, and these little books had no place in my personal bedroom library. Then I leafed through them, and since I got no thrill from the syntax,

back to Amazon they went.

Recently a hardback book arrived in the mail, and I wondered what had happened that would lead me to make such a huge investment like a hardback book. I could fill my gas tank for the price of a hardback book. I could buy a Le Creuset Dutch oven for the price of a hardback book. I could buy myself that big box of assorted chocolates that I love so much in the local candy store, the one that goes for $49.95, for the price of a hardback book.

But I digress.

Although it looked interesting, I decided to return it. But nope. For some reason, it was unreturnable. So to take a break in grading papers the other day, I decided to pick it up and read a little bit of it.

I’m glad I did.

In Span of Control, author and fighter pilot Carey Lohrenz tries to answer the following:

What can you control?

What do you do when you’re under pressure, overwhelmed, and ready to get what you really want?

Taken from Amazon book review:

At our core, we know at some points in our lives that we’ve lost control. We’ve lost our grip on what we really want and who we really want to be. In order to solve the challenges of chaos and make our goals, dreams, and commitments a reality, we have to understand that in order to succeed when the pressure is on and to improve our performance overall, we’ve got to know what we can and cannot control.

This is the partial basis for all of my speaking and writing in the past four years:

What can you control? And what can’t you? How do you continue to move towards your goals, when life seems to want nothing more than to throw unwanted obstacles in your path?

Of course I’m not a Tomcat fighter pilot, silly. But I think anyone could utilize the lessons Lohrenz puts forth in this book. Here are some gems:

Multitasking is a myth.

Fight for purpose.

Stay rooted in reality.

Grow your growth mindset.

Make good decisions.

Focus on what matters most.

Formulate a flight plan for success.

Go beyond possible.

And for God’s sakes, never forget:

Put the damn ladder down. Read the book if you want to know what that means.

What to Wear

I’m brain-dead. The last few weeks I have had my blog posts pre-written and pre-published, but last week I just kept staring at the screen. Nothing. Nothing comes to mind.

Maybe because I have so much to grade and prepare for my classes.

Maybe because I am giving a presentation in Tampa in four weeks that I’m not prepared for.

Maybe because I am in the middle of memorizing my TED-talk.

The TED-talk thing is a huge leap for me, and I’m happy to share this with you. I love speaking at my national conferences, but being on a global stage is another animal completely. I’m looking to bring in 1.6 million views for my talk within two years. Where I got that random number is a story for another time. On to more immediate problems:

What to wear? When you’re 5’2, unless you’re very very petite, you run the risk of looking like a snausage on stage if you’re not careful.

And although the TED-team has not officially announced the title of my talk yet (yes, they are the ones who do that), nor posted the link announcing me on the speaker panel yet (I’ll share this when I get it), the talk will be about the power of widowhood.

So what to wear to look powerful?

Black is out. I’m not interested in looking like I’m grieving, and black makes TED speakers look like floating heads.

Red, while powerful, is supposedly too intimidating, especially on stage

White? Virginal, and out.

Purple? Yeah, the color symbol for victory, but Hillary Clinton ruined purple for me forever when she gritted her teeth through her concession speech, dressed in a purple suit.

I’m down to jade or emerald green, plum, or cobalt blue. Jewel tones. I want to be noticed. And should I wear a dress? A skirt? A suit? No, not a suit, my twins killed my waist. I used to have the cutest, tiniest waist.

Oi. Thanks for listening. I have papers to grade.

Love, Actually

I think most romance movies are hokey myself, but sometimes they manage to nail the concept of love. The desperation of it. The vulnerability of it. So in honor of Valentine’s Day, here are five movie scenes that choke up even ol’ unsentimental me. No “Titanic” or “Notebook” to be found on this list.

“Pride and Prejudice.” The character of Elizabeth Bennet lives in my heart, and if you’ve never read the book or seen the movie, this scene will seem incredibly corny. But you must understand what Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy went through to be together. When Mr. Darcy walks through the early morning fog to finally claim his Elizabeth, my heart stops. I cry every time. This scene is the essence of love. Neither have slept all night, just thinking of each other, the best kind of tired there is. Don’t watch this if you are susceptible to corny movie hives.

“Love, Actually.” Keira Knightley again. This is when her new husband’s best friend tells her he loves her. Just the sweetest scene with appropriate closure.

“Crazy, Stupid, Love.” HONK. This is love. Just silliness.

“Say Anything.” This scene crushed me when I was in my twenties. Both characters just brought to the edge, and finding each other there. Lloyd and Diane finally together.

“Up.” Carl and Ellie. I still have never recovered from Ellie losing that baby.

Cardi-UGH

Welcome to my annual bitch session about having to do cardio. Nice to see you.

I did something different for this post and used an actual picture of myself running up the bleacher stairs at the local high school. Somehow, someone I didn’t see sitting there snapped this picture and sent it to me with this caption:

“You look really tall in this picture! Doesn’t even look like you!”

Telling a short girl that she looks tall in a photo is code for “You look skinny.” Hey, I’m 55, I’ll take what I can get. No harm no foul.

Obviously, that isn’t me, I was teasing you. It’s Friday, let’s keep it light, shall we?

I’m not going to drone on and on about how much I hate forced cardio, don’t worry. You know I love hiking and golf and skiing and tennis and all of the fun activities that improve your cardiovascular system, but that I hate having to “walk the bridge,” or “take a run,” or “get on the treadmill,” or “do some jump roping and jumping jacks.”

I guess my disdain for cardio dates back to high school softball. We had to run when we did something stupid.

Yeah, I ran a lot.

So I avoid it, because I guess on some level, I equate it with punishment. But I can always feel it in my core (my physical core, not spiritual) when my wind is low. I walked through the city with my son a few weeks ago, and just that brisk walk, while not making me winded, still made my circulatory system protest somewhat.

Time to get my wind back. Ugh. I did a half hour Monday, 45 minutes on Tuesday, an hour Wednesday, 90 minutes Thursday, you get the idea. I’ve walked the beach, ran a trail, and climbed a bridge. Gotta keep it interesting.

This post has absolutely no point, other than to introduce the word “cardiugh” into the casual American lexicon. Feel free to use it. You don’t even have to reference me.