Hank the Tank

At the time of the publishing of this post, I have 1,673 likes for a comment I posted on Instagram. That just beat my past personal record of 847. Not that I’m counting, I swear I’m not. It’s just sometimes I get lucky and post something a large group of people either like or hate. Usually it’s hate. You know how I love to be a pot stirrer.

But this time it was like.

It turns out that there is a bear on the loose in California, breaking into homes in Lake Tahoe. He has been dubbed as Hank the Tank, and is using his large girth to barge into homes and garages. He is currently on the run from the police, and despite their using paintballs and sirens, they cannot keep the 500-pound animal from seeking food.

I know, I know, he is a wild animal. But he is cute. Really really cute. And I know it is dangerous for me or anyone to anthropomorphize a wild animal, but  I can’t help it. Instagram is famous for anthropomorphism. There is even a Hank the Tank fan cam.

Anyway, the funny but prescient captions about Hank the Tank terrorizing these neighborhoods started.

One guy said, “if the world is against hank, then I am against the world.”

Another said, “He just hungry and not bothering anyone leave him alone.”

Another: “Unbothered. Moisturized. Happy. In His Lane. Focused. Flourishing.”

And again: “sorry I am so distracted lately I can’t stop worrying about Hank.”

And finally: “This can’t turn into Harambe 2.0. We can’t afford another rift in the timeline.”

So I added my two cents:

“If anyone touches one hair on Hank’s head I swear…” I added three red angry face emojis.

1,520 likes.

Of course the people accusing me of valuing a wild animal’s life over human life showed up. Those people always show up. Just like after Harambe got killed, “those people” accused us of placing the child’s life over Harambe’s, just because we were angry at his death. We know the zoo folks did what they had to do. Our anger was not directed at the zoo officials who had to kill Harambe to save the child.

It was directed at the stupid-ass negligent piece of shit parents who couldn’t take the time to watch their stupid kid, who then fell into a gorilla pit.

I want to know where these parents are. I want to question them. I want to ask them if they regret that day. I mean, is that kid alive? Or did they lose him again? Does he have flashbacks? Does he remember anything about the day? Is his identity a secret? Does he regret being such a stupid little shit?

I guess if I still subscribed to People magazine, I might know these answers.

Hank’s situation is different from Harambe’s. There is no human negligence here, except for the fact that humans are encroaching on his natural territory. I’m just worried some jacktard is going to show up to be a hero, like a personal bear vigilante.

Protect Hank the Tank at all cost.