Secret Slut Scanner

(Readers: There is no way to overemphasize my frustration at my website redesign. Good things take time. I know it’s tougher getting to my daily post, but in the end, it will be worth it, so don’t give up on me. I will be working on it this week, when I am away).

Of course I didn’t buy it. Silly.

The whole shebang (pun intended) was way too sketchy. But when I exited from the video without clicking “Purchase Now,” I was lucky enough to be diverted to another shorter video reprimanding me for being foolish enough to not jump at the bargain price of $69.95 for a video package that would normally go for $7,682. And honestly, if there was a gun pointing at my head, and the difference between life and death was one guess as to how much this video package was going for, I would have lived. Of course it was $69.

How could it NOT be $69?

So while I did not purchase the final product, it did give me some extra information which I will now share with you. Since I don’t know what the “secrets” actually are, please enjoy my guesses as to what they might be.

“Stealth Attraction” Package:

  • Discover the ability to tap into a woman’s “animal brain”

(My guesses: Show up with takeout. Walk her dog. Separate the whites).

  • 33 words to sneak into conversation to get a woman hot

(My guess: “You’re so amazing and beautiful, and you’re so good to me, just tell me what I can do for you today- anything, you name it, even if it’s to just leave you alone.”

  • Ways to get her aroused once she’s already attracted to you

(My guess: Keep doing whatever you’ve been doing. She obviously likes it).

  • Cologne you can get at the neighborhood drugstore for less than $20 that will drive her crazy

(My guesses: Polo. Drakkar Noir. Gray Flannel?)

  • A nine-word sentence that will get her into bed

(My guess: “I just washed these sheets in All-Temperature Cheer”).

  • Single item to never leave out at your place or it will kill her libido

(My guesses: a can of Raid. Hemorrhoid cream. A One Direction CD?)

  • One accessory to always leave near the bed

(My guesses: A phone charger. A reed diffuser. A picture of his mother or dog. A plate of Oysters Rockefeller?)

  • How to help her develop “Boyfriend Amnesia,” so she’ll forget she has one

(My guesses: Rufies or a sledgehammer)

  • Seven secret arousal triggers

(The video divulges one of these to the viewer: Men should ask about her father in order to tap into her patriarchal desires. Seriously).

  • Seven bonus pamphlets:
    • Shagbook Formula (not real title)
    • The Secret Slut Scanner (having my own personal Secret Slut Scanner would have been worth the $69 alone. It pains me to not own a Secret Slut Scanner. I don’t know how I can move on with my life happily and contentedly without a Secret Slut Scanner. It’s all I can think about).
    • Sex Messaging Secrets
    • The Five Senses of Seduction (what colors will attract her, what foods will turn her on)
    • Silly Secrets (real title was vile, and crossed the line for even me)
    • Turn Back the Clock (foods to eat together to help virility)
    • From Friendly to Shagging (alliteration removed)

Imagine. All this for only $69. Amazing. I didn’t know we required so much work. Have a great weekend, and men, just remember:

When in doubt, just buy her some freaking dinner. Sheesh.