(Readers: There is no way to overemphasize my frustration at my website redesign. Good things take time. I know it’s tougher getting to my daily post, but in the end, it will be worth it, so don’t give up on me. I will be working on it this week, when I am away).
Of course I didn’t buy it. Silly.
The whole shebang (pun intended) was way too sketchy. But when I exited from the video without clicking “Purchase Now,” I was lucky enough to be diverted to another shorter video reprimanding me for being foolish enough to not jump at the bargain price of $69.95 for a video package that would normally go for $7,682. And honestly, if there was a gun pointing at my head, and the difference between life and death was one guess as to how much this video package was going for, I would have lived. Of course it was $69.
How could it NOT be $69?
So while I did not purchase the final product, it did give me some extra information which I will now share with you. Since I don’t know what the “secrets” actually are, please enjoy my guesses as to what they might be.
“Stealth Attraction” Package:
- Discover the ability to tap into a woman’s “animal brain”
(My guesses: Show up with takeout. Walk her dog. Separate the whites).
- 33 words to sneak into conversation to get a woman hot
(My guess: “You’re so amazing and beautiful, and you’re so good to me, just tell me what I can do for you today- anything, you name it, even if it’s to just leave you alone.”
- Ways to get her aroused once she’s already attracted to you
(My guess: Keep doing whatever you’ve been doing. She obviously likes it).
- Cologne you can get at the neighborhood drugstore for less than $20 that will drive her crazy
(My guesses: Polo. Drakkar Noir. Gray Flannel?)
- A nine-word sentence that will get her into bed
(My guess: “I just washed these sheets in All-Temperature Cheer”).
- Single item to never leave out at your place or it will kill her libido
(My guesses: a can of Raid. Hemorrhoid cream. A One Direction CD?)
- One accessory to always leave near the bed
(My guesses: A phone charger. A reed diffuser. A picture of his mother or dog. A plate of Oysters Rockefeller?)
- How to help her develop “Boyfriend Amnesia,” so she’ll forget she has one
(My guesses: Rufies or a sledgehammer)
- Seven secret arousal triggers
(The video divulges one of these to the viewer: Men should ask about her father in order to tap into her patriarchal desires. Seriously).
- Seven bonus pamphlets:
- Shagbook Formula (not real title)
- The Secret Slut Scanner (having my own personal Secret Slut Scanner would have been worth the $69 alone. It pains me to not own a Secret Slut Scanner. I don’t know how I can move on with my life happily and contentedly without a Secret Slut Scanner. It’s all I can think about).
- Sex Messaging Secrets
- The Five Senses of Seduction (what colors will attract her, what foods will turn her on)
- Silly Secrets (real title was vile, and crossed the line for even me)
- Turn Back the Clock (foods to eat together to help virility)
- From Friendly to Shagging (alliteration removed)
Imagine. All this for only $69. Amazing. I didn’t know we required so much work. Have a great weekend, and men, just remember:
When in doubt, just buy her some freaking dinner. Sheesh.
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