(Only post this week, sorry, and thanks for checking in)

So fine, I was bored. Does it excuse it? Maybe not. But he had it coming. Or did he?

I get a LOT of DMs and follow requests in my Instagram account. I’m sure you do, too, right? And tbh, I’m not even sure what’s considered “normal.” Five a day? Ten? A hundred a month?

I won’t tell you how many I get. It’s unseemly.

My IG account is very very private, and very very boring. I only have like thirteen followers and eight posts on there, and I haven’t even posted anything since Alaska. When a DM pops up from a stranger, of course I immediately delete it.

But one day I was at work, and I was bored. So when a DM popped up from this silver fox, I did the unthinkable, for me at least:

I replied. And instantly, ohhhh, the regret. Why do I do this to men? Here’s a smatter:

Him: Hello Mary

Him: How are you doing?

Me: Fine

Him: How’s your day been so far?

Me: (Heart sign)

Next day:

Him: Hey

Me: Hi

Him: How are you?

Me: Good

Him: Where are you from?

Me: Earth

Him: This is lovely- what part?

(This, my friends, indicates that he is a foreigner, and has only the limited English-speaking capacity for basic greetings).

Me: The western part.

Him: Is that west or the east coast?

Me: The eastern coast of the western part of the Earth.

Him: I love this, are you from LA?

Me: Yes, actually, how did you know?

Him: I have much friends out there.

Me: I wonder if any of them are living in tents outside my house in Beverly Hills.

Him: You live in Beverly Hills?

Me: Of course

Him: Would love to come visit (creepy winky emoji)

Me: Sure come on out

Him: When would you like me?

Me: How about tomorrow?

Him: That is very soon.

Me: Let’ start our lives together as soon as possible.

Him: I don’t understand?

Me: I’m aware of that.

THE END