Warm and Fuzzy

Christmas Eve. Phone call between the heads of marketing of Apple and Samsung.

John Lavoie: Phil, we have a problem.

Philip Schiller: Jeez, John, it’s Christmas Eve, don’t you have a life?

JL: Not really.

PS: You should get one, they’re nice. I’ll give you five minutes. What problem?

JL: We’re not warm and fuzzy.

PS: Excuse me?

JL: You and I. Apple and Samsung. We’re not warm and fuzzy.

PS: Warm and fuzzy? What the hell does that mean?

JL: Just how it sounds. It’s Christmas. People are tired and depressed. Some can’t see their families for the holidays, they can’t travel. A lot of people are still laid off. Market research right now is showing that the top gifts for this year are not smartphones or laptops, but warm and fuzzy stuff. Warm fuzzy socks. Hoodies. Pajamas. Cozy throws. Cashmere sweaters, thick beanie hats, Golden Retriever puppies.

PS: Of course we’re not warm and fuzzy. You and I specialize in cool and sharp. What’s your point?

JL: We’re missing out on a large part of the demographic.

PS: Let me guess. The warm and fuzzy demographic.

JL: Exactly.

PS: Let’s assume your diagnostics are correct. What are we supposed to do about it now? It’s Christmas Eve.

JL: I’m talking about fixing this problem by Christmas 2021. Hasn’t it occurred to anyone at Apple that we are missing out on the consumers who want to unwrap products on Christmas Day that will make them feel cozy?

PS: Stop saying “fuzzy” and “cozy,” you’re freaking me out. Our products aren’t what people wrap around themselves. Our products are what people reach for once they are already wrapped up.

JL: Point taken. But what if we could be both?

PS: What exactly are you suggesting?

JL: I’m suggesting we create a line of fluffy smart phones.

PS: You’re kidding.

JL: Totally serious. Think about the possibilities. Fluffy pink for the girls, maybe some camo for the boys. People could change themes with the Fluf app. Fluffy hearts on Valentine’s Day, green shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day. Easter bunny fluff, red-white-and-blue fluff, Thanksgiving Day turkey fluff.

PS:  Are you talking about fluffy phone covers? Because unless you’ve been asleep, that’s been done already.

JL: Not covers. The actual phone. The phone is fluffy, like a fluffy pillow.

PS: This is moronic. How are consumers supposed to touch the apps with a fluffy phone?

JL: I haven’t quite figured that out yet. But I’m thinking some kind of technology where the fluff is fluffy but malleable. Sturdy to the touch. So the consumer gets the warm fluffy product he wants, but can manipulate it like an actual electronic device.

PS: And how is this fluff supposed to stay clean? What if it gets wet, or dropped in the dirt?

JL: We’ve already figured that one out. Space-age technology will enable the fluff to repel dirt and water and grime. The fluff can’t get dirty.

PS: Moron, what about summer? Who wants to hold a fluffy iPhone when it is 90 degrees outside?

JL: That’s the beauty of it. They can default to their original phone through the Fluf app.

PS: I don’t know. Those are some broad strokes, and I’d be interested in seeing the fine print. But honestly, I don’t see consumers going for it.

JL: Oh yeah? What did you get for your wife for Christmas?

PS: Ummmm…

JL: C’mon, what did you get her?

PS: Thick fluffy Chinese-goat cashmere car seats for her Rolls-Royce Cullinan.

JL: Felt good to say “fluffy” didn’t it?

PS: Actually, yes.

JL: You have two sons, what did you get for them?

PS: Bentley Bentayga Speeds. And a golf course.

JL: How about the rest of the women in your family? Mom? Sisters? Nieces?

PS: They all wanted fluffy Afghan and Pharaoh hounds plus a dog sitter so they don’t have to walk or feed them themselves. Fine, you proved your point. Fluff is huge. And while I see your point, this is quite an undertaking. I don’t see this Fluf app being ready for Christmas of 2021.

JL: It’ll be ready. Some of us work through the holidays.

PS: Fuck you.

JL: Thank you. You should see what we have coming next. A Golden Retriever puppy app. It looks like a Golden Retriever puppy. It feels like a Golden Retriever puppy.

PS: (Getting tired). Why not just buy a Golden Retriever puppy?

JL: (Thinks). Well, that’s silly. Why go to all of that trouble?