Talking Heads

Talking Heads

So who really listens to podcasts? I mean, who are these people ? And how do they find the time to listen to podcasts?

This is not a rhetorical question, and I’m not being coy. I really don’t get how people have the time to listen to podcasts.

There are 24 hours in a day. Subtract six to eight hours for sleep, that leaves 16. In these days with C-19, maybe people are only working six hours a day. That leaves ten. Subtract an hour for health and wellness, an hour for preparation and consuming of meals, an hour for relating to other humans, and an hour (minimum) for communicating on computer devices. That leaves six hours in a day, and I haven’t even factored in play and recreation, commuting, watching television, dog walks, grooming, or trying to get your child in the bathtub or to bring his laundry down. Let’s allot three hours total for all of that.

That leaves three hours of unallotted time. Am I to believe that people are actually using podcasts as a way to pass these three precious hours?

Nuh-uh. I don’t believe it.

It’s like Netflix. I just watched a Netflix series of eight episodes with my friend last week in Virginia. Every night after dinner we’d make our drinks, get into our pajamas, snuggle into our beds, and treat ourselves to two episodes. By the end of the week, we had finished season one.

It was luxurious, but that’s what vacation is for. In daily life, where does the average person find a surfeit of time to listen to podcasts? There are, like, eight billion podcasts out there. How do you choose which one to listen to? Besides, you know the saying: Just because anyone can make a podcast doesn’t mean anyone should. Out of the eight billion podcasts out there, 7,999,999, 990 of them suck.

People say they listen to podcasts during their work commute or at the gym. That makes sense. It’s just that I can’t think of anything more tortuous and boring than listening to other people talk. Except for Jordan Peterson or the Joe Rogan Experience. I’d listen to Joe read the phone book. But even with JRE, I’ll often just catch the highlights on Youtube.

The podcast conversation always goes the same. Someone is all amped up, and sends me a text.

“Mary, you have to listen to this podcast.”

“Why?”

“Well, because it’s what you do, isn’t it? You discuss ideas?”

“Yes, but in writing. Why would I want to listen to someone else discuss ideas?”

“Well, to get more material.”

“That’s what books and magazines are for. And the news.”

“But you’re missing out on so much interesting discussion. And this podcast has millions of listeners.”

(Every podcast advertised anywhere has millions of listeners)

“I doubt it.”

“Just listen to one episode. For me?”

“Omg, FINE.”

I invariably listen, but this is what I hear:

Waw waw waw waw. Waw waw waw waw waw.

You know, the Charlie Brown teacher.

Trust me when I say the podcast universe is oversaturated. Even I bandied around the idea of starting a podcast. I have the books, my son has the equipment, but I just don’t want to add to an already vomitous number of untalented hacks who think they are interesting.

I even had a title for my podcast. Drum roll, please…

“But That’s Just Me”

(Rudimentary research turned up a podcast with this exact title, but alas, the podcasters haven’t posted a new podcast in three years. Shouldn’t they have to give up the name if they aren’t, you know, podding?)

My daily “But That’s Just Me” podcast would introduce a human foible, a cultural disparity, or a societal issue. I would then tell all of my listeners why they are wrong and I am right, and that it is high time they change their minds to suit me. Then I would invite them to call or comment and tell me I should take a long walk on a short pier. It sounds fun, and cathartic.

There are taboo subjects I’d love to tackle more than I can on the blogging page. Legalized marijuana. Gender and race issues. Transcendental meditation. Success through creative thought. Intermittent fasting. Sex. Plastic surgery. Homelessness. Health care. Child abuse. Why we live in the richest country in the world, but there are still babies in certain parts of the U.S. with Mountain Dew in their baby bottles because the parents can’t afford milk.

Ah, the guests I would have. Pete Davidson. Kristin Wiig. AOC. Post Malone. Halsey. Gabrielle Union and Dwayne Wade. Megan Rapinoe. Judd Apatow. Joe Rogan. Jordan Peterson. Megan Thee Stallion. Dustin Johnson and Paulina. The Barstool Sports guys. Ben Shapiro. Charlie Kirk. Ruth Madoff. Tomi Lahren. David Sedaris. The list just goes on and on…

But again. For now I refuse to be just another talking bore in a vast sea of talking bores. For now I will simply bore you in writing.

For now.