Today’s post was supposed to be about automatic soap dispensers, but it’s not ready. It’s more complex than it sounds. Here is some random stuff, and I know the formatting sucks. I’m still learning, cut me some slack: 

TOM HANKS appeared in a boat in a minimum of ten movies: “Forrest Gump,” “Castaway,” “Saving Private Ryan,” “Captain Phillips,” “Sleepless in Seattle,” “Sully,” “Polar Express,” “Apollo 13,” “You’ve Got Mail,” and “Splash.” I unearthed this revelation all on my own. Is there a stipulation in his contract that says he has to appear in a boat at least once in every movie he makes? And this doesn’t include movies that I have never seen, so there could be more than ten. Please note that I’m counting the train that almost falls into the icy lake in “Polar Express” as a boat. Poetic license at its finest, baby.

When is a person officially old? I think it’s when she only eats half a banana and saves the other half on the counter. Then the next day she can’t wait to say to anyone who will listen, “But that’s just ethylene, there’s nothing wrong with it,” when they recoil in horror at the exposed brown end. Yep, time for that senior citizen discount.

RED BULL CLIFF DIVING is an extreme sport I have only recently discovered. It’s so cool that I might travel to Australia in November to watch the Red Bull Cliff Diving World Series 2021. 2020 was cancelled, obviously, but I watched some of the 2019 World Series’ on my gym’s big television screen. These athletes are jumping off of old bridges, from the tops of craggy caves and from the ledges of crumbling ten-story buildings. I mean, I have to go. Our three Americans in the competition look how you would expect: slightly deranged, happily disheveled and wholesomely gorgeous. Here are some fun facts about them:

• David Colturi lives in Los Angeles and lost his spleen from a hang gliding/ diving accident in 2018. (This was probably the conversation: Friend: “Yo dude, you wanna hang-glide or dive today? Dave: You know what would be cool? To do both at the same time!” Dave supposedly signs his emails, “Spleenless Dave.” Dave has said that the only thing that scares him more than a cliff dive gone wrong would be having to get a 9-5 job.
• Andy Jones lives in Santa Monica and was a stuntman in the Avatar movies and a performer with Cirque de Soleil. He has taught himself the art of filmmaking, and when not diving, films scenes in the life of a cliff diver.
• Steven LoBue lives in Fort Lauderdale and is popular with the crowd not only for his diving skills, but also because of his sweet personality. He once hit his head on a platform during a difficult dive, and came out of the water smiling and waving to the concerned spectators. On his bucket list this year is to eat different foods everywhere he goes and to swim with whale sharks.

Local real estate agents: Thank you for your attention, but you have to stop sending me letters and flyers. I don’t know where you have gotten your information, but I’m not moving or selling my house. You have been grossly misled. I’m thinking of you. Your busy season is approaching, and I am a serious misallocation of your valuable resources. If I need advice, I will call the agent I always work with. Buzz off, buzzards.

Buzzards is a funny word. Look what I found out about them: “In North America, a vulture is a vulture, a buzzard is a vulture, and a hawk is a hawk. In the rest of the world, a vulture is a vulture, a buzzard is a hawk, and a hawk is sometimes a buzzard, though there are still other birds with the name hawk that would not be called buzzards.” Well. I’m glad they cleared that up.

A friend sent me a list of gender-neutral greetings that she thought would amuse me:

• Hello, cowards.
• What’s the word, baby bird?
• Hello, my sweet summer children!
• Avast, m’hearties!
• What it do, baby?
• Listen up, fives. A ten is speaking.
• Hello friends and enemies.
• What’s up, Demons. It’s me, ya girl.

Have a great weekend, rat bastards. JK!