I was grading freshman composition essays yesterday, and became very excited at one particular title in the pile. Students had been instructed to write an exemplification essay describing “types of” of their choice. You know, types of Mexican food, types of Uber drivers, types of skateboard tricks. This one was titled “Types of Writhing.”

Types of writhing? Yes!!! I was already gaga over this writer, a true rebel, an original, a rule-breaker. As I eagerly began to peruse it, I was quickly disappointed to realize what you probably already have.

He meant “types of writing,” of course. It was just a typo.

So since I have always ascribed to the motto “If you want to read a book that hasn’t been written, write it yourself,” here is the essay I never read.

Types of Writhing

by Mary Oves

Writhing rhymes with “tithing.” Tithing is the practice of paying part of your wages to your church, and nothing to do with “writhing.” They just sound the same. I am now going to discuss some types of writhing.

Writhing with joy: This occurs when happiness is so overpowering that your body begins to gyrate in pleasure. You can writhe in pleasure when you wake up from a good sleep, and you’re stretching under your covers. You can writhe in pleasure as you enjoy the sunshine when you’re stretched out on a beach chair. You can writhe in pleasure during a massage, while you eat a fantastic meal, or when you’re in bed with a sexually-accomplished partner, which is my favorite kind of writhing.

(Mary, these are all good examples, but that last one was inappropriate for a school essay, and you’ve received a five-point deduction).

Writhing in pain. This can happen when you’ve stubbed your toe, when you’ve eaten too much Mexican food, or when you drop a barbell on your foot. My father would writhe in pain when his back went out, and then my mom would writhe in pain when she would have wait on him since he was laid up. Writhing in pain is never good.

Writhing in boredom. This kind of writhing usually needs to be hidden, because it’s not nice to let other people see that you’re bored of them. There are many phone emojis you can use to indicate boredom without writhing visibly. Examples like long tedious staff meetings, Zoom conferences, extended church sermons, Civil war documentaries, Peloton pep talk and March madness basketball all can cause someone to writhe in boredom.

Writhing in annoyance. The reasons people writhe in annoyance are varied. Someone might writhe in annoyance watching someone else open a Christmas gift too slowly. Another person might writhe in annoyance watching someone else try to thread a needle. Another might writhe with annoyance having to write a dumb essay. Even another person might writhe in annoyance at how slowly it takes her lover to put a condom on. There are many ways people writhe in annoyance.

(Mary, you were warned. Another five-point deduction).

Writhing in embarrassment. Sometimes something is so awkward in life that it manifests itself physically. Maybe you remember something dumb you said to a cute boy in eighth grade, and the thought of it makes you writhe. Maybe your mom just HAS to introduce you to someone you knew when you were a baby but whom you don’t remember at all, and you writhe as she pinches your cheeks. Maybe it’s your turn to introduce yourself in class to a bunch of stupid-heads, and as you pronounce your name, it sounds so annoying that you begin to writhe. Maybe you try to talk dirty in bed, but you just can’t pull it off, and the thought of the things you said make you writhe. Those are some examples of writhing in embarrassment.

(Mary, please see me after class).

In conclusion, I would like to quote Henry Miller who said, “writhing is its own reward.”