I like 1D. 1D is at the front of the airplane, it’s on the aisle, and it has extra leg room. I don’t have to look at the back of anyone’s head, I can peek at the hot pilots, and when we’re talking air travel, it’s the perfect seat for an introvert. The only thing I don’t like about it is that you can’t stash anything, not even a small bag, at your feet. It has to go up into storage until the seatbelt sign goes off.

My 1D on the way back from Montana reclined and had a personal movie screen. We were lucky to be on it at all. Our previous flight had been delayed for ice, so we assumed that we would miss the Denver connection. We had already made plans to get food, hang out, and make the best of it.

But they held the plane for us. Not in my entire life has a plane ever been held for me. I can’t ever go back. They ruined me. I’m reading the text we received from American Airlines directly from my phone:

Take a deep breath, we’re holding your next flight for a few extra minutes. We (and your fellow travelers) would appreciate if you could make your way directly to Gate B28.

It was like a movie. We ran through the concourse, and when we arrived at B28, the two stewardesses applauded and waved us through the gate like we were the pilots. We sauntered onto the plane and into our cushy seats to the announcement: “Thank you for your patience, ladies and gentlemen. We had to wait for some VIP passengers whose last flight landed late. We are happy that they have arrived. Flight attendants, please prepare for departure.” Sadly, there was no applause from our fellow passengers. They just glared at us, unamused and unimpressed, and not seeming, at least to me, very happy for us.

Why was this? We had almost missed the flight. It would have ruined our day. Shouldn’t fellow humans be happy for each other in these situations? And why were they looking at us like that? Who were they expecting, Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden? Maybe we were celebrities. How did they know we weren’t famous? We could have been. Now I’m mad. How dare they presume?

But I digress.

So 1D is great. But having chosen 1D so many times, I also have experience with 1F, the seat right next to 1D. And I have figured out what 1F stands for:

One Freak. Because there’s always one freak on any airplane, and the One Freak always sits in 1F, and that’s always next to me. I will not divulge here the physical nature of the freaks- I mean, one person’s freak is another person’s dream date, right? But in the dozen or so times I have chosen 1D, the person in 1F usually closely resembles a Morlock (excluded from this generalization is any friend I have ever traveled with who has sat next to me in 1F. They know I don’t mean them).

So when choosing seats for my next trip, I decided to take one for the team. I chose seat 1F there and back, so I will actually be the One Freak on the plane. By temporarily denouncing my Eloi status, I will be able to completely embrace my inner-Morlock and see what’s so socially emancipating about it.

I won’t know what to do first. I think back to some of the Morlocks who have sat next to me, and on the strange things they have done. Here are some things I have witnessed firsthand that are obviously socially acceptable in 1F:

• Propping dirty feet up on the wall
• Taking off socks to display uncut and fungusy toenails
• Eating an entire pepperoni pizza without using a napkin
• *Reading a magazine upside down (I swear. Only in 1F)
• Talking to oneself
• Singing to oneself
• Clipping a bonsai tree
• Sorting coins and placing them into little wrappers (this was actually cute, and something my dad would do)
• Getting smashingly drunk (ok, I applaud this one)
• Using the lavatory fifteen times during a three-hour flight
• Staring lifelessly ahead without movement for hours on end (think David Puddy)

I will not even divulge the myriad of serious hygiene issues I have witnessed up close. I do my best to give the Morlocks in 1F the room they need for their activities, because I know that Morlocks eat their Eloi cousins. I don’t want to end up as Morlock food. And I always keep in mind the literary premise behind the Morlocks and Elois:

Never ever get too comfortable. Not in life, not on an airplane, not anywhere. Because those so comfortable on the top now may one day find themselves suffering on the bottom later.

Morlock food for thought.

*So that you don’t think I am making these up, let me clarify that the Morlock who read his magazine upside down fell asleep that way. He must have fallen asleep before realizing it. The rest are honest-to-God true.