So I was on this dull conference call the other night with twenty participants. I flipped through the muted channels of the television while I listened to the mediator, and stopped when I saw that “The Exorcist” was on.

“The Exorcist” is one of my favorite movies. Although I’m a horror movie buff, “The Exorcist” is deeper than a demon spitting green pea soup at a priest. The book is a literary masterpiece and the movie itself cinematographically brilliant. Saying that “The Exorcist” is about the devil is like saying “The Crucible” is about witches.

As the call continued, I heard the moderator ask everyone to mute their phones by pushing *6. That way, the twenty of us could listen to the sample coaching session without our background noise bothering the coach and her pupil.

I did as I was told and pushed #6.

I tried my best to find their verbal exchange interesting, but I’m a spoiled impatient child with the attention span of Saran Wrap, and I decided five minutes in that if “Nora” was my coach, I would have thrown myself off my second story balcony by minute six. I was hoping her pupil “Rebecca” wasn’t out on a ledge somewhere.

Nora: So what conflicts do you want to explore today, Rebecca?

Rebecca: I have so many problems, I don’t even know what to choose.

Nora: How about the most immediate problem?

Rebecca: Well, my elderly mother-in-law is living with us right now and we’re not getting along at all.

Nora: Can you elaborate?

Rebecca: Yeah, I hate her. And she hates me.

Nora: Ah. So what I hear you saying is that your mother living with you is causing you distress.

Rebecca: You could say that.

Nora: So how could you solve this problem?

Rebecca: I don’t know. Kill her? I’m kidding, but I don’t know what to do, isn’t that what I’m paying you to help me figure out?

Nora: (Laughs) I’m here to listen.

(I didn’t make that conversation up. It got much worse).

To distract myself from the pain of listening to a milquetoast life coach giving lame advice to a conflicted client, I decided to watch “The Exorcist” with the volume turned up, since I was safely in mute mode.

This particular movie version was the one with deleted scenes so shocking that even I have trouble watching them. But if you’ve ever read the book, you would know that these scenes are pivotal to establishing exposition and character development. I watched uncomfortably as Regan pierced her private parts with a crucifix and then did inappropriate things to her mother while all the while screaming blasphemous obscenities.

I watched rapt, and it wasn’t until a minute after it ended that it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn’t heard Nora and Rebecca’s conversation in quite some time. Then I heard the moderator come through.

Again, someone is not in mute mode. I repeat, you are not in mute mode. If you would please put yourself in mute mode, we would appreciate it.

Shit!  Shit shit shit! I pushed *6. Nora continued:

Nora: So what other conflicts would you like to discuss? Anything serious?

Rebecca: (Pause) Nothing as bad as what it sounds like is going on in that house.