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Scene 2:  Patent Pending

“Are you binge-watching ‘SNL’ again?” my son said smiling, as he approached me. I had been on my laptop laughing for an hour straight, and I’ve been known to OD on “Californians” clips.

I immediately flipped down the screen.

“No.”

He stopped in his tracks.

“Then what’s so funny?”

“Nothing. I can’t show you.”

The infomercial video was hilarious in its comic inappropriateness. Sixty minutes long and titled “Stealth Attraction,” it begins by suggesting to the male viewer that he watch the video the whole way through, because it can’t be paused and also might not be available for much longer. For the record I watched it three times over two weeks to get the information down accurately. Still up. Still available. Still comedy-gold.

Yep, the narrator warns us that feminist groups are working hard to get the video taken down. That “feminist groups don’t want men to know these secrets, because the secrets have the power to break down women’s defenses and remove their ability to mate with the partner of their choosing.” Turns out these tricks are so effective that if used on an unsuspecting woman, she will succumb to anyone, anywhere, anytime.

My goodness, I thought. Do tell. I watched, rapt.

The video features a series of animated male and female cartoon characters engaged in a series of day-to-day interactions: at the gym, in a bar, on the street, and quite often, engaged in cartoonish sexual acts. The animated buffoons are caricatured with enormous features- big breasts and asses, low overhanging guts, and hugely exaggerated lips and eyes. Many scenes depict frustrated unkempt men with bad posture getting rejected by gorgeous females. Nothing they do or say seems to work.

But the makers of the infomercial make a promise:

Buy our TED-talk! This Product Will Get You Laid! Learn How to Attract Hot Women Using the Same Brainwashing Techniques Used by the CIA When Interrogating Prisoners!

Hm. I honestly considered the investment. While I don’t know the context of the product they were hawking, I honestly thought about plunking down the money for it. A good laugh and some valuable blog material are priceless commodities, and I have no doubt that it would deliver plenty of both. The thing is, I didn’t want to start receiving too many inappropriate promotional emails. I have enough crap in my inbox already.

But I digress.

The first 15 minutes of the video shows men getting rejected by women. But as you watch the men use the invisible secrets of Stealth Attraction, they undergo a drastic transformation. Their posture and physical appearances improve (somewhat), they walk with a more confident stride, they smile more unabashedly. Even better, the narrator assures the viewer that if he uses the secrets of program, he will be able to actually watch the physical manifestation of Stealth Attraction transform the woman before his very eyes.

Turns out the mental and sexual power you have over her will eventually manifest into a physical one.

Whoa. You don’t say.

In one poignant scene, a male doofus is talking to a woman over dinner. You are not privy to his words, but as he talks, you can see the woman begin to pant. Her face turns red. She loosens a button of her ill-fitting blouse, then another. She begins to touch herself in inappropriate places, and then suddenly, without warning, she excuses herself to use the ladies’ room.

(This is me when I get a hot flash. But I digress yet again).

The implication of her sudden exit from the table is that she is most certainly not going into the restroom to wash her hands. The curious fellow inevitably follows her into the women’s bathroom, to see for himself if she is doing what he thinks she is doing.

She is. You can’t make this stuff up. He joins in of course, and they do it right under the Xlerator Hand Dryer. Ruffles her hair just right.

Another particularly humorous scene takes place in a gym. A slovenly man is talking to a buxom blonde girl running on a treadmill (with her triple-G cartoon rack, I don’t know how she was even managing to stay upright). Her back is to him, and at first she’s ignoring him; then magically, for no apparent reason, she turns hypnotically in his direction. And while you can’t hear what he is saying to her, it is obviously significant enough to get her to push the “Stop” button on the treadmill. And suddenly, in a romantic twist of fate, they leave the gym arm-in-arm.

He had somehow achieved game. And in the next scene, the viewer sees that he got more than just game that night. Much more. Marone.

I have to buy this program. I don’t see any way around it. I don’t think I can sleep or live without knowing what he said to her.