I was going to post a Mother’s Day gift list, but everything I saw I was like, “Ew, don’t get her that.” So I’ll save the list for another time, because here’s a list of what NOT to get her:

Don’t get her: A hat. They’re always a mistake. Always. Beach hats, fedoras, Stetsons, you name it. If she wants one, let her make the mistake, not you.

Get her: A flowery scarf big enough to wrap around herself.

Don’t get her: Health products from Goop. Don’t make pretentious Gwyneth Paltrow, who is the CEO of Goop, any richer than she is. I’m sick of her profiting off the message that women are living their lives wrong.

Get her: Something from your local beauty store, keep the money in town. Homemade soap, for instance.

Don’t get her: Cocktail makers. Take her out, instead of getting stuff for her to stay in.

Get her: A great table near the piano player at the swanky beach bar.

Don’t get her: A “Binge-Watching Survival Kit.” C’mon. Mask mandates are lifted, it’s going to be summer soon. Don’t buy her shit to encourage her to sit around the house. This made me incredibly sad.

Get her: Concert tickets to a comedian or a band she loves.

Don’t get her: Sleep masks. These seem like a good idea, but they’re really annoying to wear at night. Don’t waste your money.

Get her: A cute light-diffusing alarm.

Don’t get her: You’ve Got This! book titles. I get annoyed when anyone tells me “You’ve got this!” or “You go, girl!” It’s very condescending.

Get her: A cute journal for her thoughts and doodles.

Don’t get her: Electronics.

Get her: Rifle Paper Co. stickers to stick in her journal. I love playing with stickers in my journal and appointment book. After all, we’re all just little girls at heart.