So on the same Inquirer page as the poetically-semantic AS TOLL CLIMBS, BAN DEFIED headline is an article written by Marie McCullough entitled, “The risk from indoor gatherings is worse than experts once thought.”

The vagueness of the headline irked me. “Once thought?” Once thought when? The day before yesterday? Last week? At Thanksgiving? During the Black Plague?

My second thought was “What experts?” All I saw was some yada yada yada about Korea.

Further into the piece, the proffered phrase “insidious infectiousness” struck me like an anvil in the ear. Whimsical alliteration and consonance aside, the word “insidious” means “treacherous,” or “harboring hidden dangers.”

(Author Note: As noted yesterday, even one person lost to any virus or disease is one too many. I too have a 92-year old father with compromised health, so don’t get your panties in a wad. Allow me to play devil’s advocate):

How is the ‘Rona treacherous with a 99% survival rate? Is a 99 on a test an “insidious” grade? If 99 people out of 100 take a bike ride safely while one dies falling off due to a pre-existing condition, can we consider bike riding an insidious activity? I posit that when McCullough wields a word like “insidious,” one that packs an emotional punch, that she has relinquished her objective journalistic integrity, and has become simply a fiction-writing hack. Spare us the pathos, and get back to us when you pass Journalism 101.

(I guess this is why I have never blogged on this subject. I’m definitely getting coal in my stocking).

The study from the Journal of Korean Medical Science cited in McCullough’s article describes the case of a high school student who supposedly became infected with the virus after being exposed in only five minutes to an asymptomatic contagious person sitting twenty-feet away from her in an air-conditioned restaurant.

I was immediately suspicious of both the conditions and the results. How was this proven? It sounded groundless and ambiguous, and I wasn’t even aware that Korea was so scientifically-minded. Last I heard from Korea they were trying to fix the problem of mitigated speech in their airplane cockpits. Korean pilots kept crashing airplanes into large mountains because they could not communicate effectively with air-traffic controllers. Crashing is not good for business. Feeling uninformed and naïve about Korean medical achievements, I researched the following:

• Most scientifically-accomplished countries
• Most medically-advanced countries
• Wealthiest countries
• Most intelligent countries
• Most Nobel Prizes
• Wealthiest according to GDP
• Best countries for education
• Best countries for happiness

Neither North nor South Korea broke the top ten in any category. I googled “Korea’s greatest achievements are in…” and up popped “music.” I searched “Korea is known for…” and I got “plane crashes.” I typed in “Korea’s science…” and the word “fiction” finished off my search.

Apt.

So I figure if the Philadelphia Inquirer can publish dubious Korean medical studies, then I can share my personal insights gleaned from nine months of travel through different parts of the country. The following are Oveservations from entertainment, educational, and social COVID guidelines and are in no particular geographical or chronological order. Simply said, they make no sense.

And that, my friends, is the point.

(I’d like to participate in an American study just like the Korean one. Plunk me down maskless in an air-conditioned restaurant twenty-feet away from an unmasked contagious person, and let’s see if I’m infected five minutes later. So ‘Rona is airborne? Let’s settle this shit once and for all. The gauntlet is thrown).

Oveservations on COVID Guidelines:

• You can go out to dinner in New Jersey, but not in Pennsylvania.
• You can sit unmasked at an outside restaurant, but you must wear a mask while walking down the street.
• You can’t sit at a restaurant bar, but you can sit at a restaurant table.
• You can sit at a table without a mask, but you must wear a mask walking to the table.
• You can have a drink in New Jersey at 9:55 p.m., but not at 10:02.
• You must stand six-feet apart while waiting in line for coffee, but you can stand in a group when adding cream and sugar.
• You must wear a mask when ordering a sandwich, but you can take the mask off when eating the sandwich at a table that is only two feet away from the place you originally ordered it from.
• You can shop in the mall stores, but you can’t eat in the mall restaurants.
• You can’t sit on the benches inside the mall, but you can sit on the stools to get free makeup applications or to ask for directions at the information desk.
• You can’t sit and get lunch at the mall bistro, but you can stand there and order takeout.
• You must wear a mask while sitting in first-class, but you may take it off when you eat or drink.
• You can shop at Walmart with 200 strangers, but you can’t attend a small family holiday gathering.
• You can shop at Walmart with 200 strangers, but you can’t attend church.
• You can shop at Walmart with 200 strangers, but you can’t gather with your immediate family to baptize your baby.
• You can shop at Walmart with 200 strangers, but you can’t have a wedding ceremony.
• You can shop at Walmart with 200 strangers, but you cannot attend a play, an opera, or a ballet.
• You can shop at Walmart with 200 strangers, but not at your local Mom and Pop store where they allow only a half-dozen people inside at a time, and where they sanitize every five minutes.
• You can shop at Walmart with 200 strangers, but you cannot get your driver’s license renewed.
• You can shop at Walmart with 200 strangers, but you cannot attend your child’s band concert or wrestling match. Because sports and clubs are banned anyway. But Walmart is not. Banned, that is.
• You cannot conduct face-to-face business in your local bank, but you can cram yourself into the Apple store with the other livestock. Mmmmooooo……
• College students must live in dorm rooms by themselves, but they can attend classes in groups.
• Students cannot gather together in classrooms but they can gather while waiting in line at Panera Bread.
• Students cannot be on campuses at all. But they can go to Walmart.
• Students cannot play organized sports, but they can play these same sports with their neighborhood friends.
• Children can’t sit on Santa’s lap, but they can sit in drafty germ-ridden doctor’s offices.
• Children can’t play at playgrounds, but they can play in their friend’s yards.
• You cannot attend a close friend’s father’s small funeral service, but you can shop for trail mix and fuzzy socks at Target.
• You cannot escort your elderly father into the lab for his bloodwork, but you can purchase cupcakes at the crowded bakery.
• Your spouse cannot go with you into pre-op, but he can buy you White Claws at the liquor store for post-surgery sousing. Cigars too. Nothing like a good stogie after laparoscopic surgery.
• You can wait in the spa lounge on hardback chairs, but not on soft.
• You can get a massage and a facial, but your son can’t play high school basketball.
• You can get a massage and a facial, but you cannot attend fitness classes.
• You can get a massage and a facial, but you can’t hand the cashier your credit card.
• You can get a massage and a facial, but you can’t place your technician’s gratuity into an envelope and drop it into her mail slot. But you can drop the cash in.
• You cannot get a haircut from the barber ten minutes from your house, but you can get a haircut from the barber twenty minutes from your house.
• We must do what our governors say. But they can do whatever they want.

People locked down. Cases “rose.” People wore masks. Cases “rose.” People social distanced. Cases “rose.” People stopped traveling. Cases “rose.” People had their temperatures taken everywhere they went. Cases “rose.” People quarantined when arriving in other states. Cases “rose.” People tested negative. Cases “rose.” People stopped getting elective surgeries. Cases “rose.” People stopped going out to dinner and to the gym and to school. Cases “rose.”

Now a vaccination is here. Governor Murphy says it is possible that we will be back to semi-normalcy by summer of 2021. But the wise and powerful Bill Gates sees our current way of life possibly continuing until 2022.

Pay no attention to the men behind the curtain. Oh, and by the way, Walmart sucks. Shop Local.