Thank you for considering these beautiful Hampton Bay cabinets sold in your local Home Depot. It is our greatest hope that these cabinets will bring years of joy and luxury to your kitchen. In fairness to you, the consumer, we want to issue the following warning before purchase:

These Hampton Bay cabinets come complete with little tiny obscure lightbulbs that provide recess lighting. In a few years, they will eventually short out, and provide pyrotechnics for your family parties. After a few years of this entertainment, they will then burn out.

You will seek help, but no electrician will return your calls. No electrician will agree to come to your house to check them out. No electrician will ever know where to get the tiny lightbulbs. Electricians will ask you to send pictures of The Lights to their email, and once you do, you will never hear from them again. Even your trusty handyman will stop responding to you once you ask him about The Lights. Even if by some miracle you manage to get an electrician to walk in your house and check The Lights out, he will look spooked, make excuses and then run away, like a priest fleeing from a demon-infested house. You may want to consider re-wiring your whole house, so that the job is big enough for an electrician to agree to. You could also consider attaching 105,854 balloons to your house like in the movie “Up,” and lift your house up and away to an area that is not so dependent on the help of contractors, a place where you can get The Lights fixed by an electrician who actually needs the work.

You can then fly the house home.

Now prepare yourself, this is the scariest part: One day you will think you have finally found The One. He will be friendly, and receptive, and humble. He will diagnose your problem, even place the burned-out bulbs in his pocket, so he can “pick some up” when he goes to Home Depot later. He will even quickly and efficiently reset your faulty landscaping timer, so that the floodlights come on at night, instead of the daytime. You thank him and become vulnerable with emotion, confessing to him how painful have been the years of rejection. He will laugh, pet your dog, reassure you, and agree to “come back tomorrow.”

You never see or hear from him again.

He has made off with your bulbs and your dignity.

The ridiculousness of the situation actually starts to becomes fun. You make phone calls when you’re bored, just for the hell of it, and log how long it will take to get a response, or whether you get one at all. You leave crazy bold requests on Yelp, on answering machines, on Angie’s List. You use different names. You go outside your town to neighboring electricians, and try to trick them by saying you have a newly constructed house that will eventually need wiring. They will ask you when. You tell them probably in 2040. They will hang up on you. You will eventually become paranoid and start to think The Lights have blacklisted you from every electrician’s calling list.

You have become Elaine Benes with the bad medical chart.

Without The Lights, your kitchen will be dark, and you will no longer be able to work at the counter or see when you are cooking. This will be unfortunate. We strongly suggest that when purchasing these fabulous cabinets, you also enroll in Pennco Tech. This way, you can get your electrician degree so that when the time comes, you can actually fix The Lights yourself. Enclosed in the cabinet boxes will be an application for Pennco Tech, and because we so highly value your patronage of Hampton Bay, the application fee will be waived.

Again, we thank you for your purchase of our beautiful hand-made cabinets. We hope they provide you with years of satisfaction.