Don’t drive angry. Don’t drive angry. Phil Connors, “Groundhog Day”
I’m sorry to disappoint you, but this post isn’t what you think it’s about. Here, I’ll use the phrase incorrectly:
Watching someone you hate dance at a wedding: “Man, will you look at that dick move.”
Complimenting your partner’s sexual prowess: “I find it admirable the way you make that dick move.”
Kicking a younger sibling out of your spot at the Thanksgiving table: “Yo, dick, move.”
Asking your cousin Richard to move up in the security line at the airport: “Dick. Move.”
My meaning is more the following:
Someone cuts me off in traffic: “Well, that was a dick move.” Right. “Dick” as an adjective, and “move” as a noun.
As the weather continues to get milder and traffic gnarlier, Dick Moves will become more and more frequent. And I don’t just mean dick moves perpetrated on me, but also to my perpetrating dick moves on others. The holiday weekend traffic caused me to ruminate once again on the unfortunate fact that as opposed to my steady day-to-day existence, when I get into my car I turn into a feral boar, an insufferable fool, a flaccid piece of excrement.
This makes me sad. No kidding. Why is this the one aspect of my personality that I can’t seem to control? Why do I get so impatient and arrogant when I drive? I mean, yesterday I beeped at a car in front of me because he didn’t move fast enough when the light turned green. Here is @HenpeckedHal on Instagram berating this well-known Dick Move.
“Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences.”
Touche.
Top Driving Dick Moves:
- The Early A.M. Look and Go: You’re driving to work at 6:00 a.m. and you are the only car on the road. You are moving along nicely when suddenly you sense danger- a car is creeping up on a side street and the driver is looking towards you to see if it’s clear to go. They see you and know it’s not clear to go, but they pull in front of you anyway, forcing you to slam on your brakes. They then proceed to drive in front of you at an excruciating 12 m.p.h. (Man, that was a dick move).
- The Because-Fuck-You-That’s-Why: Someone is driving slowly in front of you, so you tailgate him and then make a gesture of impatience through your windshield. You’re sure this will make him see the error of his ways and force him reevaluate his existence. It doesn’t. In retaliation for the gesture, he drives even slower until you can’t take it anymore and you are forced to turn down a different street to get away from him. He gives you the finger as you veer off, and you know you deserve it. You hang your head and take it like the piece of shit that you are (Man, that was a dick move).
- The Highway to Hell: You pass someone on the highway who is driving only slightly slower than you. You pass them at an incredibly high rate of speed with an imperious glance thrown in their direction as you pass. You now only have two choices: to sustain that speed and risk getting pulled over, or to slow down and look like a douche. You decide to risk the speed, but you manage to go only slightly faster than them. You feel it necessary to keep them in your sights in the rearview mirror, to make sure your arrogance did not go to waste. When you exit, they are only one car length behind you. They think you are a dick, and you know they’re right. You hope that when you reach the end of your life, you can look back at your decision and say, “Yes, by God, it was worth it.” (Man, what a dick move).
- The Serpentine Hustle: You are doing errands in town, and you get behind someone slow. You can tell that they are going to be trouble, so you deliberately turn down a side street so as to avoid them. You drive hither and thither, making lefts and rights, going down alleys and through parking lots, proud of your craftiness and ability to save time. You find yourself with a self-satisfied smile at a red light, the smile fading as you watch them sail freely through the green. They laugh and point at you as they go by. You deserve that, too. (That is such a dick move).
- The Shame Game: The car in front of you stops dead in the middle of the street for no reason. You don’t have time for this. Your life is important. You slowly begin to go around him, but as you do, you suddenly slam on your brakes. You understand why he was stopped. He was letting a special bus unload a small handicapped child. He was letting a senior citizen with a walker cross the street slowly and safely. He was letting Mr. and Mrs. Duck cross with their babies. He was letting two elementary school children ride their bikes through. He had stopped for a loose dog on the shoulder. But now you are stuck in the incoming lane next to him, your impatience a public spectacle, and your presence a traffic hazard. He looks at you. You look at him. He shakes his head, and you slowly nod.
Yep, you say silently to him. I know. A total dick move.
