There was a Pool Family at the resort where I stayed this past week. There’s always at least one Pool Family at any resort.

Pool Families go on vacation just to sit by the resort pool and swim. They set up their spots at 7:30 a.m. so as to get the chairs they want, and by 9:00 a.m., they are Pool Royalty. They wield things like swan-shaped floaties and donut-encrusted tubes into the water, and by the second or third day, they are so experienced that they are informing other pool guests where they can get smoothies, how cold the water is, and whether the hot tub is working. Kids of Pool Families always wear neon green and goggles, brandish pool noodles, and scream. A lot. Siblings play pool games, and say things to each other like, “Eva, you have to watch me swim to the ladder, and if I don’t make it in thirty seconds, make me swim twenty laps! Eva! Eva! EVA!!!!!!!” Pool Family eats lunch under a table with an umbrella, usually things like Uncrustables and Cheez Doodles and apple slices. Mom never goes into the water because she is busy ignoring her kids and playing on her phone for eight hours straight, and doesn’t want to mess up her blow-out. When Dad goes into the water, he is fun at first and acts like a sea monster until Cody starts playing too rough. Then he yells something like, “Too rough, Cody, too rough, ow!!!! Stop!!! I mean it, stop!!!!”

(I liked this pool family, even though the kids were loud and dressed like Kermit the Frog. Best line I overhead from Mom:

Eva: C’mon Cody, let’s have a diving contest, Mom is going to be the judge!”

Mom: (Swigging her drink and not missing a beat): “No, she’s not.”

I laughed out loud because it sounded like something I would say.

Best line from Dad:

(Dad floating around the pool with Eva and Cody all over him, and kids start calling him Daddy Sea Monster. He capsizes his floatie, gets out of the pool, and says):

“Yeah, well, Daddy Sea Monster needs to make reservations for dinner and drinks, because his Sea Children are annoying as hell, and ate all of his sandwiches.”

Beach families: They are the same as Pool families, just better dressed, and instead of pool noodles, they have boogie boards and snorkel masks. Beach families, like Pool families, go on vacation to sit on the beach, and do nothing else.

Resort families: These families are super fun, and work hard to utilize every single amenity at the resort. At any given time, you can see them doing the Hokey-Pokey at the activity center, playing with the oversized chess set, going to Family Game Night, and making S’mores at the firepit after dinner. They join every contest, and work really hard to win. Their kids are eternally walking around with Virgin Coladas, oblivious to the scowling bartenders who are forced to blend them.

Boat families: Everything must take place on a boat. Boat Families snorkel, scuba dive, fish, wakeboard, and whale-watch off of boats. Dad makes sure everyone within hearing distance hears him say he owns his own boat, so he doesn’t need a Captain. After they return from their day of boating activities, everyone must hear about what they did, because boat activities are so much more fun than other activities.

Park families: Mom and Dad have been planning this trip to Disney their entire lives. They have taken classes to learn how to get around long lines and extra expenses. They stay at hotels where they are picked up at 7:00 a.m., and dropped off at 10:00 p.m. They are all dressed thematically, and Dad doesn’t care how tired anyone is, or how nice sitting by the pool sounds, because “we are getting our money’s worth. Besides, fireworks don’t go off until 10:00.” When the kids complain, he suggests they take a quick nap in the street.

And finally:

Off-the-Grid families: The only time you see them is in the morning when they are talking to the concierge. They look very intense, the children included, and do things like zip-lining, swimming with the dolphins, Moto-cross, go-karts, and survival mazes. The children are always clutching on-the-go food like drinkable yogurt and granola bars, and they are all wearing expensive active wear and treaded sneakers. Mom and Dad have daypacks over their shoulders, and each kid has his own hydroflask with cool stickers that announce all of the places they have been.

I suggest a reality television show where families arrive at a resort, and get a colored-card that indicates what kind of family they will be. Throughout the week, scores are given based on the amount of whining the kids did, the number of times Dad lost his temper, and how much Mom drank. The family with the lowest score wins.

Peace out, have a great weekend!