I was looking through an old Moleskin notebook yesterday, and some old notes made me laugh out loud.

I had taken notes down when I was still in the dating scene, and by “dating scene,” I mean of course nonsensical, adolescent messaging and predictable excruciating suffering through days of middle-school conversations until I finally got so tired of the guy that I ended all communication with him altogether.

Good times.

Anyway, these notes are titled “What They Really Mean,” and refer, obviously, to the true meaning behind the things men say on dating apps. There’s only a few, but enjoy.

When he says,

“I love to travel.”

He means:

“I went to Branson once.”

If he says,

“I played competitive sports in high school and college.”

He means:

“My junior high team won the Dodgeball competition three years running.”

When he says,

“After church I was out all day getting stuff done.”

He means,

“I watched four football games and bid for baseball cards on eBay.”

If he says,

“Hey, sorry I forgot to text you this morning.”

He means,

“I’m playing hard to get.”

If he says,

“I love petite women.”

He means,

“I’m 5’4, but willing to wear lifts.”

If he says,

“Do you use a cleaning service?”

He means,

“Do you want to support me in my old age?”

If he says (and this is a real one, I swear. I actually met this guy in person, and he was the creepiest human being I have ever met in my life)

“I own a sporting goods store, and do you believe a guy came in one day wearing a leather bondage mask?”

He means,

“What is your stance on S&M?”

If he says,

“Hey, what’re you up to today? I have a ton of work to do.”

He means,

“I’m unemployed, and waiting to collect Social Security.”

And when I say,

“I gotta run.”

I mean it.