Barnes and Noble checkout counter:

Cashier: That will be $21.75. Would you like to round up and donate to St. Judes?

Me: Um, sure, that would be fine.

C: Thank you! Would you like to buy a cup of coffee for a military service member overseas for an extra .99?

Me: Yes, I’d love to do that.

C: Thank you! Would you like to take this opportunity and subscribe to three free magazines for $5.99?

Me: Oh no, that won’t be necessary.

C: Thank you! Would you like to buy this coffee mug for $9.99 that will go towards underserved college women in foreign countries?

Me: Um, not today.

C: Thank you! How about this adorable stuffed bear for 12.99? The bears and the proceeds go to Ukrainian orphans.

Me: Oh, gee, I’d really love to, but I don’t have enough money, I’m sorry. I assure you I donate to many charities that help Ukraine…

C: Thank you! We have a promotion going right now that for $30.00, you not only get a store membership and a free chocolate chip cookie, but also a donation towards the legal fees of molested Boy Scouts of America.

Me: Well, that’s a worthy cause, but I don’t really think…

C: Thank you! This new book by Elin Hildebrand is only $17.99, and if you buy four copies, three copies get sent to depressed women in Massachusetts who don’t want their children home for the summer. The money goes towards their Soul Cycle classes and nanny salaries.

Me: It’s not really my place to….

C: Thank you! Before you go, would you consider donating to this GoFund Me for a local family whose house burned down?

Me: No.

C: Meals on Wheels for fathers whose wives go away on girls’ weekends?

Me: No.

C: How about this church raffle that will offset costs for a small family of four to go to Disneyland?

Me: Nope.

C: A scratch-off ticket that will put money towards Governor Murphy’s dental work?

Me: Uh-uh.

C: (Hands me my purchases). Thank you! Will there be anything else today?

Me: I think that just about covers it.