Out of sheer morbid curiosity, I clicked on a LinkedIn article entitled, “Are You Mentorable?”

The sheer audacity of the question made me laugh. Am I mentorable? I wasn’t even mentorable when I was 25. Now at 55, I would assume I am any team leader’s worst nightmare. I can play nice when I have to, don’t get me wrong, but my inner rebellious asshole is always simmering very close to the surface. If I had a list entitled, “Things I Am Done with Forever,” team meetings would lead the top five.

(The other four? Jeans. Dating sites. Coach. Burpees)

I have always been an excellent teacher. What I have never been, however, is an excellent employee. I am the employee who says (formerly quietly, then by the end of my career out loud) stuff like this during meetings and in-services:

Who gives a shit?

Are we done here?

May I be excused?

If I know this already, can I leave?

This could have been an email.

We had this same in-service last year.

Couldn’t this time have been better spent preparing our classrooms and lessons?

Just fucking kill me.

Oh Christ, not another icebreaker. We’ve been teaching here for twenty years, the ice is broke.

Pssssst, Joe. You got any of that vodka still in your desk?

My classic was glaring at that annoying pale person with no life outside of work when she raised her hand to the question: “Before we leave for the day, any questions?” and then whispering, “Ask that question and I will kill your whole family, or all fifty of your cats, whichever comes first.”

Yes, I got in trouble. A lot. And of course I failed the quiz. It should come as no surprise to you that according to LinkedIn, I am not mentorable.

Bummer.

Question 1: Would you appreciate the value of your mentor’s time?

Answer: No.

Q2: Would you be able to be clear about what you’re looking for in a mentor relationship?

Answer: No.

Q3: Can you accept input, advice and criticism from your mentor?

Answer: Christ no.

Q4: Is your answer “Yes” to the question, “Am I a good mentee?”

Answer: Hell no.

Q5: Is your mind open to learning from your mentor?

Answer: Fuck no.

Final Grade: Hi Mary. Thanks for taking our quiz. Looks like you need some more time to figure out what you’re looking for in a mentor/mentee relationship. Try again in a few years.

Yeah, that’ll happen.