Firsties:
The spirit of Erma must be flowing through me, because the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Guild accepted another of my humor essays. Here’s the link if you want to enjoy:
https://udayton.edu/blogs/erma/2021/06/there_goes_my_life.php
Nexties:
I was previously unaware that I could write a blog post and then choose the publishing date on my drop-down menu. This obviously eradicates any of this “Can’t Post Because I’m Off-the-Grid” nonsense that I have previously ascribed to. I learned that I can choose a publishing date, and let my website do the rest. You must have thought I was copping out. My apologies.
Lasties:
I was recently informed by a number of friends and readers that my daily posts were not being prominently displayed on the front of my website. Bluehost has now made sure that my most recent posts are rolling on the scroll bar. Thank you to my dear friends who are not afraid to tell me when my website sucks.
Now then. Li’l noises. Li’l noises simply refers to maddening noises that people mistakenly think are cute. I’m posting this so you don’t go making any assumptions that I’m all well-adjusted. I’m the same judgmental asshole I was in October when I started this blog, and don’t ever forget it.
Li’l noises? What do you mean, what do I mean?
I spent about seven hours in the Anchorage International Airport last Tuesday waiting for my 11:00 p.m. flight, and many of those hours were spent sitting in lounges and being subjected to li’l noises. I pay an annual membership to those lounges so that when I use them, I can unwind in peace and quiet. But last week, by the time I was walking toward my gate, my nerves were so frayed by cute li’l noises, my teeth were grinding together.
Some people just like making cute li’l noises.
Li’l noises can be cute under normal circumstances, but not to a sleep-deprived and jet-lagged traveler. Every time I moved away from someone making cute li’l noises, someone else sat plopped down next to me and started making different ones. I’ve made cute li’l noises in the past, too, so in the future I promise to heed my own advice.
- Li’l bag noises. Li’l Ziploc bag noises, li’l makeup bag noises, li’l souvenir bag noises. Stop playing with them so gently, and just rip them open the way they need to be. And get what you need the first time, so you don’t have to play with your li’l bags for an hour.
- Li’l zipper noises. Ziiiipppp. Ziiiippppp. Ziiiiiiippppppppp. How many times you gonna go in there?
- Li’l glass bottle and cup noises. I know you have to place your wine or beer or rocks glass down, but put a cocktail napkin under it, so I don’t have to hear that li’l clink noise two hundred times in an hour.
- Li’l wrapper noises. This is the worst. Delicate bags of nuts, dainty bags of chips, flinty bags of baby carrots. Candy bar wrappers, plastic flatware wrappers, tea bag wrappers, so many li’l wrappers being unwrapped and caressed. Stop the madness.
- Li’l ice noises. Stop rattling it. Just stop. We get it, you need another drink.
- Li’l book noises. I’m prone to forgive this one. Anyone who fondles the pages of a book is in my good stead. But again, maybe it’s not necessary to make that rustling noise for every page turn?
Enjoy the week’s li’l noises.