I would like to thank the makers of the infomercial “Stealth Attraction” for providing me with side-splitting laughter for over a week and also for providing me with enough material for three blog posts, which will be presented in three scenes over the next three days. Enjoy Scene 1.
Scene 1. Silvio the Interrogator
Bright lights. Gorgeous young woman sits in small hot room, looking neither perturbed nor concerned. Silvio circles her, eyeing her, intensely smoking a cigarette. He is sweaty, overweight, and frustrated. She looks up at him with her beautiful blue eyes, smiling slightly.
Silvio: (Slams his hand down on card table) Eeenouf vit dese games. You vill tawk! I have vays of mekking you tawk!
Her: (Innocently) I don’t know what you mean.
Silvio: You know perfectly vell vat I tawk about! And I vill use vatever means I must to break you!
Her: But what do you want to talk about?
Silvio: (Blurts) Golden retriever pawppies!
Her: What?
Silvio: (Unsure) Corgi pawppies?
Her: Why do you keep saying puppies?
Silvio: (Leans in and gets very close to her) You vill be interested to know I have a sizeable feenancial portfolio. Now, vat do you tink of DAT?
Her: So what? So do I. Can I go now?
Silvio: No! You vill remain until I get vat I vant!
Her: And what is that?
Silvio: Your attention, dat is vat!
Her: (Sighs)
Silvio stalks around the room, puppies and money obviously not having had the intended amorous effect. He turns on her, rubbing his hands together.
Silvio: So, preetty leetle one. Maybe later when I vaterboard you, it vill convince you to tawk? By the vay, you like pumpkin lattes and moonlit beaches, no?
Her: (Unsure) Sure, I guess, they’re ok.
Silvio: Yust ok? Vat does dat mean?
Her: I mean, they’re OK.
Silvio: You don’t vant to drink pumpkin lattes on a moonlit beach vit me?
Her: (Disgust barely concealed) No, thank you.
Silvio: Vy?
Her: Because I don’t.
Silvio: (Stops and stares at her). I see it vill be necessary to use dramatic means to mekk you tawk. Sleep deprivation vill commence tomorrow.
Her: (Bored, she rolls her eyes)
Silvio: (Thinking hard)
Her: Are we done here? Can I have my phone back?
Silvio: No! You vill bend to my vill! (Agitated, he begins to stalk around the room). Er, Lululemahn! Meemosas! Mani/pedis! Long veekends! Fuzzy sockz! Good night texts! Merloh! Almond croissants! Chik-Fil-a zauce! Tik Tawk! “Ze Notebook”!
Her:
Silvio: (Continues, becoming desperate) Diamond studz! Sunset boat rrides! Ski lawdges! Big fireplaces! Diffused light! Sundresses! Flip-flawps! Vite Claws! Rrrompers! Brrrrunch! Stuffed French Toast! Vanilla candles! Bath salts! Tvinkle lights! Sherpa hoodeez! Horse-drawn sleigh rrrides! Cheese frries! Milkshakes! Sephorra!
Her: (Staring at him) What are you talking about? Are you insane? I’m out of here.
She gets up to leave.
Silvio: (Plops down in chair, defeated) Yes. You are free to go. You zeem dezensitized to my rrromantic interrogation techniques. I geev up. I vill not try again.
5 Comments
my God, i thought you were going to chip in with some decisive insght at the end there, not leave it without an summary.
My readers are highly intelligent, they don’t require any tidy endings. The ending spoke for itself. This is high-brow humor.
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