I Do Declare

The most recent issue of Bella Grace magazine has an essay entitled “21 Simple Declarations to Get You Through the Day.” Here are some:

• All is well.
• It hasn’t happened…yet.
• I am enough.
• I choose love.
• Embrace my flaws, and call myself “Flawsome” (Oh dear God)
• With every breath I release my stress.

I adore Bella Grace magazine. It’s just that their declarations seem a little hands-off. Perhaps you’d prefer some of mine:

• (Behind a car at a traffic light as it turns to green): “Green means go, asshole.”
• (Eating wings at 10:00 a.m.): “Here’s to protein.”
• (Considering greedy, dumb, awful people): “I’m going to enjoy it when they’re in jail.”
• (Drinking a beer with a wedge of lime at 11:00 a.m. on a hot summer Saturday): “Beer is wheat, so it’s like toast with jelly.”
• (Booking another trip before I’ve even gone on the next one): “Carpe freaking diem.”
• (Getting 200 Facebook notifications): “Fuck OFF.”
• (Diddling my pitch up onto the green): “Fuck me.”
• (Responding to work emails): “Fuck you.”
• (Smiling into my bathroom mirror with a mouthful of toothpaste at the end of my day, proud of my ability and refusal to take any active part in the manifestation of anything even remotely social): “That’ll do, Pig. That’ll do.”

And to send you off to your weekend with some feel-good vibes, here’s a little Double T for ya. Travis Tritt is just as cute, magnetic and gorgeous in person as he looks in the video, and I was AT this concert, or at least a concert on this tour. Yep, I was one of those swooning women in the audience, but I didn’t get to shake his hand. I tried. If you had been there, you would have swooned too. Even the men were swooning. TT’s got X-Factor up the yin-yang, and I couldn’t love him more. So here’s to making some homemade soup, getting a new tattoo, taking your boat, truck or bike for a cruise, or growing a Foo-Manchu, if that’s what turns you on. And turn the music the hell up, there’s no other way to listen to this song.

And remember: it’s a great freaking day to be alive. Ah WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!