So I have this dress in my closet that I can’t figure out how to wear. It was super cheap, a cool color, but a mistake. In my defense I didn’t know it was “Final Sale,” therefore unable to be returned. I tried.
It’s a long-sleeve maroon floral peasant dress, completely antithetical to anything I would ever buy, and I can assure you is as terrible as it sounds. I simply don’t know what to do with this thing. Here are five scenarios I came up with:
- Find an empty field like the one in the picture above and twirl around in it.
- Dig out my old cowboy boots and go line dancing at a honky-tonk.
- Put it on when I get out of bed in my forest cabin, like the female lead in a really bad indie movie. I will throw a shawl around my shoulders, wander down to the dock barefoot, and stare soulfully into the sunrise while sipping my coffee. I will also need a golden retriever to pet when the sunrise hits my face.
- Put my hair up in a really cute bun, throw on Doc Martens, and browse in a used bookstore in London, hoping a Hugh Grant lookalike will approach me and tell me I have “really eclectic literary taste.” I will ignore him at first, because that’s what I do, but I will eventually give in, and we will go out to lunch to debate Shakespeare vs. Marlowe over coffee and scones.
- Wear it to buy maroon mums at a garden market, hoping someone will notice that I match the flowers I’m buying.
It’s my only hope.
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