Grayturday

I went to Nordstrom on Gray Saturday.

Gray Saturday, or “Grayturday” to shopping aficionados, is the Saturday before Thanksgiving. Shoppers who shop on Gray Saturday are well-known for being too chicken to shop on Black Friday, and insist on paying full price so as to get the best stock before the lunatics hit the stores a week later. Stores owe us a debt, because we get them into the “gray” before they get into the “black” after Thanksgiving.

They’re welcome

So literally and semantically speaking, Grayturday is grayter than Black Friday, and lives up to its name.

After I grabbed a few items for my boys in men’s wear, I wandered upstairs to women’s fashion. Not really looking for anything specific, I meandered through the aisles. Shapeless dresses, check. Frump wear, check. Natty old lady suits, check. Size zero cocktail dresses, elastic waistband sweatpants, amorphous tent dresses.

Check check check.

There wasn’t even anything to drool over. No jewel-toned body con dresses, no neutral colored dolman sleeve knit blouses with matching skirts, no sharp double-breasted blazers with festive print blouses.

Nothing feminine, nothing body conscious, just…gender neutral sleep wear.

I finished my first circuit of women’s wear in a record time of five minutes, and as I began my second circuit, I started to feel paranoid, like I was being watched.

The mannequins were staring at me. Androgynous, hairless and mostly naked, like Sphynx cats, or those women who take keto too far, they held vigil over the second floor. Some were clothed but wearing shapeless ill-fitting garments falling off of their prepubescent bodies, exposing clavicles and disturbingly dramatic thigh gaps. There was nary a curve to be seen. No breast mounds, no cleavage, no muscles, or fullness, or femininity, or life force.

Just skeletons and zombies, looking in desperate need of a sack of double burgers, truffle fries and extra thick chocolate shakes.

Feeling unnerved, I opted out of a second circuit, and headed to the shoe department. Shoes make everyone happy, and even Sphynx cats can fit into kitten heels. But on the front-facing displays, there were no grownup women’s shoes. No sling-backs. No stilettos. No pumps, ankle booties, wedges, or Mary Janes. None of the shoes that make women feel and look sexy (yes, I said it).

Plenty of Uggs, though, and slippers, and big overstuffed blankets tied with red bows.

More loungewear.

“May I help you?” A lovely young salesgirl smiled at me encouragingly.

“No thanks. I’m headed to lingerie.”

Back up the escalator to the second floor, all the while avoiding the bald zombie gazes, I headed to lingerie, took a deep breath and smiled.

Finally. My world.

Bustiers, bras, garter belts, teddies, baby doll dresses. Lace, silk, thongs, boy shorts. Lavender, rose, emerald green, purples, even a splash of canary yellow.

I had reached my nirvana.

After I splurged on some beautiful lingerie, I descended the escalator and felt the mannequins staring at me combatively. I opened up my Nordstrom bag, pulled out a black bustier, and waved it in front of their faces.

Suck on that, skinny bitches.

Sweater-Season

What are the most pleasant jobs in the world?

A cuddle nurse in a maternity ward.

A cupcake decorator?

Maybe the owner of a kitten sanctuary, or the mascot of a beloved sports’ team?

Working at a fall farm market has to be up there in the rankings, right? While I’m sure there is the requisite hard work like planting, digging and hauling, I would think it goes without saying that selling pumpkins, gourds, corn stalks and hay bales to flannel-wearing, Frye boot-clad shoppers clutching pumpkin spice lattes must be, at the very bare minimum, pleasant as hell.

Everyone is so tickled-orange at fall farm markets. I’m thinking it’s the sweaters.

(Well, well, what do we have here? Is it a possible lead-in for a post about sweaters I am loving right now? Mmm kay)

Jenni Kayne Everyday Sweater ($145). Jenni is the Sweater-Queen, and her sweaters go all the way up to the 600 buck range. Egads. I can’t even get into her affiliate program yet, she’s so “big.” Nevertheless, I want to give props to this sweater that I own in a few colors. Taupe is my next conquest. I wear this sweater to cozy down on my patio paired a pair of fluffy sweatpants and a good book, or after a tough day on the hiking trails in front of the fire with a glass of wine.

Athleta Foresthill Ascent Turtleneck ($79). When I worked at Athleta, every customer who walked in was subjected to my tirade extolling the wonders of the black Foresthill turtleneck. There’s something about the ease of it, of tucking one side of it into a black pencil skirt, and being ready to teach for the day. I have two: one that I wear, and one with a price tag still on it in case something happens to the one I wear. If they discontinue it, I want to be prepared with a back-up. It’s that great a piece, and I have NEVER liked turtlenecks. It looks good on EVERYONE, I kid you not.

M.M. LaFleur Lea Sweater ($395). Gulp, I’m sorry, I know it’s pricey. But remember Dream Cart? All I bought for teaching this fall was this sweater and a blazer. This sweater can do anything- pair it with tights and boots, or with a pencil skirt and sling-backs, and it will work hard for you. Don’t wear this beautiful sweater with jeans, please, I beg you, not unless you’re 24 and hot. Jeans may never go “out of style” completely, but they go “out of style” for women after a certain age. I’ll post about it one day.

Macy’s Free People Open-Front Cardigan ($108). Open-front cardigans are so versatile. In the fall I’ll throw one on for teaching over a sleeveless sheath dress, or pull one over a tank top, tights and ankle boots when I run errands. I’ll grab it for an extra layer on cold winter months, or even over a sundress or a bathing suit for chilly nights on spring break. This cabernet color is so fall-a-licious.

Nadaam $75 Cashmere Sweater is famous for its price, color, and quality. You’ve never heard of Nadaam’s $75 cashmere sweater? Now you have. Over two dozen colors to choose from. Tbh, it doesn’t look good on my body type but non-curvy girls swear by it.

Lululemon Double-Knit Sweater Hoodie ($148). This dusky lavender color is so unexpected for fall, and that’s what I like about it. I like everything about it. The color, the hood, the ribbed and cropped nature of it. Just so pretty and delicate and casual and yummy.

Madewell Tipped Davie Polo Sweater ($89.50). Just click on the hyperlink and look at it, describing it won’t do it justice. So distinctive.

Jockey Fleece-Lined Wrap ($34.99) Did you know Jockey made sweaters? Me either! This caught my eye for the bulky oversized nature of it. It kind of looks like a bathrobe, so don’t think you’re going to be able to wear it to dinner, but it’s a great piece to throw on for some cuddle-warmth. And that price is limited, so grab it!

Everlane Chunky Cardigan ($110). This is the one. The sweater of the season. It features an exaggerated retro-inspired collar, a two-way zip front, blouson sleeves, and a cropped, rounded shape. Zip it all the way up for a big exaggerated collar. Comes in black, toasted almond and canvas.

Tomorrow: Halloween animatronics I’m loving right now!

Dream Cart

I just received a request for more fashion blogs. Hey, I’d love to blog about fashion every day, I just don’t want to turn off my small male readership. But today you get your wish.

Fall is my time for recalibration. Recalibration of finances, nutrition, travel, fitness, mindset, career, hell even my refrigerator. This week I’ll be throwing out old hot sauces and salad dressings, tossing sad wilted produce, and removing and scrubbing the trays in hot soapy water.

Ya gotta love a clean refrigerator, and I go to town on it. But what I do to my refrigerator is nothing compared to how I recalibrate my closet.

I mentioned last week the importance of updating your closet. Fall is the time to get rid of old worn clothes, and to toss items that don’t fit or are out-of-style. If you are one of those strange extroverts who feels everything has to be a social situation, do what Carrie Bradshaw did in “Sex and the City.” Invite friends over, hand them alcohol and colored Post-its, and let them decide what to toss, keep or store.

I am now going to share with you a little game I play called “Dream Cart.” If you take fall fashion even semi-seriously, it can be an invaluable tool that can help you figure out what you have in your closet, what you love, what you need, and what you want.

(“Dream Cart” is a chapter in my book, and can be adapted to anything you desire, like “Dream Man,” or “Dream Trip,” or “Dream Body,” or “Dream Job.” Let’s focus on “Dream Cart” today, and remember: it’s as much a mental exercise as it is a physical one).

Step 1: Choose a label, a store, or a brand you love. Last week I used MM LaFleur.

Note: MM LaFleur is ridiculously expensive. THAT’S THE POINT. This is your dream closet, remember, so choose your dream brand. None of this Marshalls stuff, please.

Step 2: Go through the website and order everything you want. I mean, everything. Free your mind of cost and sensibleness, and embrace gluttony. PLACE EVERY SINGLE ITEM YOU WANT IN YOUR CART. No hemming or hawing, just buy buy buy!!

Step 3: Look at how much your dream closet costs. Mine last week was $14,350. Gulp. No worries, remember this is a game and an exercise.

Step 4: Leave your items in your cart for three to five days.

Step 5: Laugh when you see the emails from the brand come in: “Did you forget something?” and “Get these while they last!” and finally, “Here is a 30% off code for you!” The code will come, be patient.

Step 6: Now, bring your laptop to your bedroom. Shut the door. Make it special. I lit a vanilla candle, played Will Ackerman through my Bluetooth speaker and wore my favorite white eyelet sundress. I made sure my hair was done and that I was wearing my favorite perfume. If you want, bring in snacks, maybe some champagne or wine. Really pamper yourself.

Step 7: Now comes the hard work. Scroll through each item in your Dream Cart, and compare it to what you already have in your closet. Ask yourself the following questions:

What would I wear with this?

How would I style it?

Do I have something similar or close?

Can I replicate the outfit with what I already have?

Step 8: Now remove. Remove from your cart any item that is impractical, or any item that you wouldn’t know how or where to wear it. Remove anything that is similar to what you have, and that includes cut and color. If you have a black turtleneck sweater in your cart that you know would look great with your gray tights, but you already have a black sweater you wear with those tights, remove that sweater from your cart. If you can replicate the outfit you have in your mind with what you have in your closet, remove the item. You must be strong. If you’re like me, and rationalize that a certain dress will literally change your life, stay pragmatic and objective, and remove, remove, remove. For me, out went the black sheath dress, the leather belted blazer, the cigarette trousers, the off-the-shoulder blouse, the rain hoodie, the alpaca cardigan, etc., etc., etc.

Mindset is important in step 8. You are not telling yourself “I can’t afford this.” You are telling yourself “I don’t need this, I already have this, and if I wanted this I could get it, but I DON’T want it.” There is no fashion deprivation here, no feelings of not being able to buy what you want. You are simply being smart and strong. And don’t EVER involve your man in this game. NOT EVER. Men get hernias simply by the SUGGESTION of a no-holds barred shopping spree, and they won’t hear you when you say “It’s only a game.” Do step 8 when they’re out of the house, because they’re no fun when it comes to shopping. Oh, and p.s.: the phenomenon of husbands telling their working wives what clothes they can and can’t buy is strange to me now that I am single. I’ll write a blog about it one day.

Step 9: It’s time to be merciless. Are you ready? Look at your cart now. Once I removed all of the pieces from my cart using the above rules, that $14,350 price tag came down to $2500.00. Still too rich for my blood, how is yours looking? Time to cut, mercilessly. How many times will I actually wear this? How many different ways can I wear this? Go back to your closet again, and find anything that goes with it. There’s nothing? Remove it.

Step 10: Look at what remains. If you have followed steps 1-9, you should be at a reasonable balance. I was left with two items totaling $525 from my Dream Cart: a double-breasted camel blazer and a plush taupe cashmere oversized turtleneck. I can use both pieces in a zillion different ways, not only for the classroom, but for errands and dressy events. They can both be dressed up and down, and will last forever.

So if you’re comfortable with the price tag and you feel like it passes the Hub Hernia test, buy. If the number still makes you uneasy, go back to step 7 and complete again.

*This is a compressed version of Dream Cart, but in a pinch, it is a quick way to streamline the shopping process.

Summer Polish

When you think of abrupt transitions, transitions that make you mutter to yourself, “Just gotta get through this day…,” what comes to mind?

How about the first day back to work after a fabulous extended vacation? Or that first week back to the office after a year of Zoom? Or the first day back at the gym after a week off to enjoy a holiday?

As an educator, two abrupt transitions come to my mind.

One is the first day back to school after the New Year. After two weeks of flying high on eggnog and tinsel, gluttony, parties and family gatherings, teachers and students are suddenly thrust back together into a small airless classroom with nothing to cut the tension except for five pounds of fruit cake. Your students glare at you malevolently as if you are to blame for their lot in life. The classroom decorations that seemed festive in December now seem dour and sad, and mock you with their forced cheerfulness. The same students who were weaned on extensive classroom viewings of “Elf” just ten days earlier think fondly of the times when you referred to them as cotton-headed ninny muggins.

They wish you dead, and so do you.

And if you taught seniors, it was all the more brutal. Because everyone knows that the first day back from the New Year is the unofficial inaugural beginning of the end of the senior high school career.

‘Tis the season to do as little as possible, fa la la la la la la la la.

But to me, the most difficult transition of any calendar year is leaving summer and starting the school year.

Don’t misunderstand me, I love getting back into the classroom. Any teacher worth his or her salt enjoys going back, even if only for the comaraderie of seeing colleagues and greeting students. My reticence is never mental, but physical, and begs the following question:

How to emerge from the barefoot beach season of salt water and sundresses back into the grownup world of polish, perfume and polyester? I mean, I go through the summer looking mostly like a crazed tan poodle. You know the clothing line Sweaty Betty?

I’m Sweaty Yetty.

My hair does not react well to humidity, and I don’t try to fight it. I don’t feel like getting keratin treatments and Brazilian blow-outs only so as to be forced to sit inside like a pampered princess. I like working-out, swimming, hiking, biking, and boating, not sitting in a salon trying to figure out ways to resemble a Barbie doll. Barbie is tough to maintain, and summer is too fun.

But the week before classrooms open, I look at myself objectively. I need a pedicure. To have the frizz removed from my hair. To refresh my make-up, maybe even out an uneven tan from different cuts of bathing suits. To re-visit my shapewear drawer.

I start with my closet. Pulling my professional clothes up in the rotation and pushing summer clothes back (not too far back, I’ll still be wearing them for a month) only takes a couple of hours, and it helps me see what I have and what I need. I hit the Nordstrom sale yesterday and updated my wardrobe with some key pieces- crisp white tanks and t-shirts, an oversized blazer and couple of sheath dresses that can be worn alone now, and paired with a blazer or an oversized cardigan once it starts getting chilly again.

Some tips for late-summer professional polish:

CLOTHING:

Look to nudes, beiges, tans and whites. Navy looks nice in this transition season as well. If you’re over 50 like me, going sleeveless depends on personal opinion and workplace. If you work in a conservative office, wear the sleeveless sheath, but have a sharp cardigan to put over it.

No stockings. Give them the heave-ho, yo. Get a spray tan or self-tanning mousse if you want tan legs. Click on hyperlink for my favorite on Amazon, and get a tanning glove to avoid orange hands.

SHAPEWEAR:

Do it. But keep shapewear thin and airy. I swear by Thinstincts by Spanx to pull me in and keep me cool.

FOOTWEAR:

Excessive heat and humidity makes our feet swell, so avoid sky-high heels or anything too spikey. Go for low to mid-heeled beige sandals- they are a must-have, and look good on everyone.

JEWELRY:

My jewelry gets stashed in the summer, but it re-emerges triumphantly in the fall. In this transition time of heat and humidity, think light. Pearl studs. Silver rings, a thin tennis bracelet, dainty hoops, a gold cross. Avoid costume jewelry or anything too chunky.

HAIR:

Leave-in hair conditioner and anti-frizz spray will help with the frizzies, and a great cut will keep you looking modern. Time to get that Brazilian blow-out now. Be careful with hair product- too much will weigh your hair down.

MAKEUP:

Remember KISS- Keep it simple, silly! Less is more in the summer.

  1. Oil-free moisturizer
  2. Prime
  3. Powdered bronzer for a quick glow
  4. Nude shades for under
  5. Fun color for over, like poppy lips
  6. Lip stains instead of lipstick
  7. Setting spray like this one that I use from Sephora.

If you’re sick of the heat and humidity, cheer up. Only a few more weeks until sweaters, boots and pumpkin-spice lattes!