Lil’ Things Part II

(Thank you for asking about my book signings. I’m just too busy, so it won’t happen this fall).

There was this great day when I was a high school English teacher. Many great days, but like this day, some were greater than others.

I was dragging on this day. Rainy, cold, wet, like today. I don’t remember the year, it was a long time ago, 15-20 years ago, because my twins were very young, and they were running me ragged. On this day, I remember a senior peeking his head into my room with his morning coffee to say hello to me as I was teaching, and I remarked how good it smelled. This was before Keurig machines in the teacher’s lounge.

“I’ll get you one next time,” he said.

“Do it, and you’ll get extra credit. That goes for the lot of you,” I gestured to my class. We laughed and moved on with the lesson.

The next day, throughout the day, at least twenty coffees were brought to me. Maybe more. One student even had his dad bring me a coffee to the office. I drank some of them, but obviously could not drink them all, so we delivered them to other teachers. I brought a couple of them home for my neighbors.

It stands out as one of the greatest days of my teaching career. What is it about someone bringing you coffee that renders you a blubbering sentimental fool?

Life is what it is.

(Note: I never write about current work. But this next story has to be recorded).

So on an innocuous day last month, I remember telling a class about this great coffee day I had, how touching it was that those students orchestrated something so grand. How I never forgot it, and how good coffee tastes when someone else brings it to you.

Ain’t that the truth?

Then a few weeks later I was on campus, accepting essays from all of my classes. Essay days are tiring days in my semester, filled with personal instruction and reminders, and editing, and revising, and constant back-and-forth monologue. I was tired, it was cold and rainy out, and coffee only a fleeting thought, and at least three hours away.

Suddenly I heard the door open behind me, and a Wawa coffee was plunked down in front of me. I turned to see one of my students, a tall personable young man who often comes in early to discuss literature. He said nothing, just flashed his million-dollar smile, accepted my thanks with grace, signed his essay in, smiled again, and left.

I watched him amble his way down the hallway clutching his own Wawa coffee, and sipped mine. It was possibly the best sip of coffee I have ever had in my life. And as I continued sipping, I tried to play it down.

It’s just coffee, it’s just coffee, it’s just coffee.

But I was a blubbering fool on the way home. Making coffee for someone, bringing coffee to someone, is the purest and sweetest and most selfless of gestures. So if someone brings you coffee this week, or makes some for you, be eternally grateful. It is one of the simple joys of life.

And yes, all of those students got extra credit.

Lil’ Things Part I

In the thirty years during which I was a high school English teacher, there were so many memorable days. Not the kind you would think, like parties, or awards. More like moments. The kind that make your heart flutter, decades later.

Amused eye contact during a faculty meeting, followed by stifled laughter. Tacit agreement or understanding from a class during instruction. A shared laugh with a particularly beloved student.

One day I was monitoring what was called “in-school suspension,” or ISS. This was a day-long punishment in a small windowless room where suspended students sat to complete makeup work, rather than being suspended OOS (out-of-school).

A tough duty, filled with tough kids.

On this particular day, among the tough cookies, was this one boy. Let’s call him Jason. A schizophrenic, Jason was often homeless, sleeping in his car, his home life filled with abuse and addiction. He was also hard to talk to, often inserting lascivious and wildly inappropriate comments into conversation. On this day he had his head down on the desk, and while sleeping in ISS was forbidden, I left him alone, knowing he was tired from wrestling the night before. Wrestling was all he had.

Another student asked if he could sharpen his pencil, and I nodded, returning back to my work. He rose, and began cranking the pencil sharpener. Lost in my work, it wasn’t until five minutes later that I realized he was still sharpening his pencil. I watched him, observing how he was cranking the sharpener, taking as long as possible to avoid sitting back in his seat. I didn’t stop him, just let him keep sharpening, wondering how long he would go.

The comedic element of it was not lost on me. It rarely is.

Suddenly Jason raised his head to look at the boy, and then looked at me looking at the boy. Our eyes met, and we Both. Just. LOST IT.

We laughed on and off for about thirty minutes. Simply a shared moment that no one else understood. We never spoke of it, never mentioned it again. He was not that kind of a boy. But I will never forget that moment.

A few years ago I bumped into a relative of Jason’s. How is he, I asked. Fine, he said, avoiding my gaze. At the time I knew that Jason was NOT fine. But I left it alone.

I wonder if Jason knows how much joy he brought to my life these last ten years, because the memory of our moment together makes me laugh every time I think of it. I’m sure he doesn’t remember it. But I do.

The lil’ things.

Tune in Friday for Part II.

School Bells

A recent commercial for the online educational company k12.com features teenagers “suffering” through a series of academic and social slights. Remember those days?

Someone behind you in class kicking your seat.

The word “loser,” or “bitch,” or “slut,” or “kiss-ass” written on your locker.

Waiting for the bus in the rain.

Sitting alone in the cafeteria.

We all went through these things. Some of it we think of and laugh, while some of it still causes pangs of sadness. Adolescence is, after all, a lot like seasickness:

Funny, but only in retrospect.

So say a kid (or his parent) sees this commercial, and decides,

Yes. To hell with bullies, and pre-dawn bus rides, and face-to-face interactions. I (or my kid) can sleep in, wear pajamas, turn off the laptop camera, and practice poor hygiene. Learn on my OWN time.

That way I will not be bullied, or made to feel lonesome, or weird, or strange. I can control my surroundings, and the people in it. I can do this for four years of high school. Brilliant!

Until he goes to college, and realizes he can’t control his surroundings or the people in it. And even if he does online college, what happens when (if, BIG if) he gets a job?

Talk about a loss of control over your surroundings and the people in it. What about that annoying co-worker who takes credit for your work? Or the 45-minute commute in a snowstorm? Or the 5:00 deadline on a Friday? Or the narcissistic boss? The office slut? The demanding client?

How in the world are our kids dealing with these things if they are shielded from them in adolescence?

We are at a dangerous educational impasse in this country. Trying to convince millions of American school children that public school is too fraught with danger and impossible challenges, and that the safety of their own homes offers the protection and boundaries they need for academic success is a slippery proposition.

Yikes. Gulp. Egads. We are well on our way to living out the movie “Wall-E.”

Uncle

I just concluded my 34th year in education, and at the conclusion of every teaching semester, I wonder:

Was that my last one?

The last time I walk across campus, lost in thought? The last time I make copies and tuck them neatly into my messenger bag? The last time I sip hot coffee in front of my classroom computer? The last time I confer with that quiet student who hovers at the end of class, just wanting to talk to me? The last time I accept late work from a panicked student, even though the work deadline has already come and gone?

Is this the year?

In 2017, I retired and swore I was done. I was burnt out. Nothing left to offer. Unwilling to learn any more new technology. Tired of grading papers on Sunday nights. Feeling like I lacked the spark needed to deliver pedagogy in provocative ways.

But I felt pulled back to the classroom, part-time. And because of instructor shortages due to the pandemic, I was pulled back in full-time in 2020. Waaaaaaaay back in. And then again in 2022. But as I feel the heaviness of academia closing in on me, I realize I don’t want any more heaviness in my life. Lightness only, please.

I am ready to declare Academic Chapter 11.

I wish I could claim that phrase, but it’s from an article in Inside Higher Ed journal. An anonymous professor wrote an article entitled “Academe, Hear Me. I Am Crying Uncle.” And I feel I, too, am crying “Uncle.”

Enough already.

As the anonymous writer states, academic Chapter 11 comes upon a teacher slowly. Maybe it starts with a roll of the eyes. Maybe appears in the form of indifference, exhaustion, emptiness. No matter how it presents itself, one thing is true:

It cannot be reversed. Once it takes hold, it is permanent. No vacation, promotion, degree, or salary can change what it is:

A dearth.

This writer declares what all teachers try to provide: an ethos of care, in the hopes of building a thriving and just academe. But as evidenced from what is being coined “The Great Exodus” of teachers from education, it can be asserted that something tragic is happening:

At this pivotal time, when our country’s children need experienced, compassionate educators more than ever, we are leaving.

This is most tragic.

For this tenured professor, it got to be too much. With a sick child at home, his work piled up and piled up, on top of a system already teetering on the brink of collapse. He was forced to do the unthinkable, something teachers try to NEVER do.

Take it easy on himself.

He began delegating tasks to colleagues. Asking for help, saying no to publishing, putting aside manuscripts, even giving back grant money, as he was unable to complete the work on time. He says:

I simply have no way to catch up at this point. Extensions don’t help. Not only do I lack the capacity to think with the clarity and dexterity necessary to manage a complex workload and the emotional tenacity to work endless hours, even if I did, I would never catch up. The gap between the length of my to-do list and my own resources- time, energy and willpower- has stretched into an impassable chasm.

Educators in these last two years have been told to not make a fuss- to please just pivot, learn to do new things and carry on. Wake up at 4 a.m. to answer emails, skip family vacations, workouts, and pleasure. And under no circumstances, we have been asked, are we to do anything to upset parents or the state educational system.

“We’re all in this together,” after all. Right?

I wish I could clearly elucidate the terror, despair and depression that seeps out of this brave professor’s essay. I feel every word. He is despondent that his academic Chapter 11 will make it even tougher on his colleagues, who are also suffering, and to whom he is indebted. But sooner or later, everyone has to make the choice to say it.

Uncle.

Doctor, Doctor

(I know my flag is tangled in my trees. Thanks for letting me know. The flag guys are coming this week).

The subject of my attaining my Ph.D. is like my telling people I don’t like sushi.

Me: I don’t like sushi.

Them: Sure, you do.

Me: No, I don’t.

Them: You think you don’t, but you do.

Me: No. You think I do, but I don’t.

Them: You can think that, but you’d be wrong.

Me: I’m not wrong. It looks like alien tentacles.

Them: If you don’t like it, that’s just because you haven’t had it prepared correctly.

Me: It’s raw seafood. And seaweed. And rice. How else is it prepared other than raw?

Them: Trust me.

Me: No. I don’t. I’m not eating octopus, they’re highly sentient creatures.

Them: So don’t eat octopus. Who says you have to eat octopus?

Me: All I’m saying is that if you want sushi, you’d better make damn sure there is something else on the menu for me.

I recently overheard a man almost break into tears because he found out that the lunch menu at the restaurant wasn’t offering sushi out of season. His whole party left in a huff.

People be loving their sushi.

Other than publishing my book, getting my Ph.D. is the last remaining goal on my professional bucket list. But it’s starting to fade in importance. I’m afraid that if I get my Ph.D. I will have to start wearing a cape and a fedora. I will have to scowl importantly as I walk. I will have to have pseudo-intellectual discussions about academic minutiae with self-important pretentious people.

This is no castigation of people who get their Ph.Ds. It is an incredible achievement and honor. I think I’m just hoping that at some point, I will be awarded an honorary Ph.D., like the kind the Hollywood celebrities get. No out-of-pocket expenses, no long hours, weeks, months and years spent huddled over musty books in libraries. Just a “Here you go” and a “Fare thee well.”

The language used when discussing Ph.D. work used to excite me when I was younger. Research. Publishing. Libraries. Databases. Consortiums. Dissertations. Those words don’t titillate me anymore. Now I like words like: Boats. Vodka. Golf. Travel. Sunshine. Mountains. I worked with a colleague who once told me that his brother tried to get his Ph.D. in English but failed, and in the process almost had a nervous breakdown because of the pressure and work load and his 150k in debt.

A Ph.D. brings possibilities you couldn’t get otherwise. Elevated teaching positions. Research opportunities. Publishing offers. And let’s not forget the immediate elevated status you are awarded in any situation because you have the word “Doctor” in front of your name. In Phoenix, there were nine TED speakers, and seven had doctorates. Then there was me, and a young singer. The other speakers assumed that since I am a college professor, that I am also a Doctor of English. I didn’t lie and say I had it, but I also didn’t correct them.

I commented on a LinkedIn post featuring the Great and Powerful Greta Thunberg (can someone get this little girl a job on Disney+ already, and get her off my LinkedIn feed?), and a woman yelled at me, saying someone who has a Ph.D. in English should be more informed and respectful of a young girl trying to make a change in the world. I started to correct her as to my credentials and then stopped.

If enough people assume it, why bother spending the money and going through the stress? That’s honorary enough for me.

Time to rest on my laurels. Dr. Oves at your service.

The Writhing Life

I was grading freshman composition essays yesterday, and became very excited at one particular title in the pile. Students had been instructed to write an exemplification essay describing “types of” of their choice. You know, types of Mexican food, types of Uber drivers, types of skateboard tricks. This one was titled “Types of Writhing.”

Types of writhing? Yes!!! I was already gaga over this writer, a true rebel, an original, a rule-breaker. As I eagerly began to peruse it, I was quickly disappointed to realize what you probably already have.

He meant “types of writing,” of course. It was just a typo.

So since I have always ascribed to the motto “If you want to read a book that hasn’t been written, write it yourself,” here is the essay I never read.

Types of Writhing

by Mary Oves

Writhing rhymes with “tithing.” Tithing is the practice of paying part of your wages to your church, and nothing to do with “writhing.” They just sound the same. I am now going to discuss some types of writhing.

Writhing with joy: This occurs when happiness is so overpowering that your body begins to gyrate in pleasure. You can writhe in pleasure when you wake up from a good sleep, and you’re stretching under your covers. You can writhe in pleasure as you enjoy the sunshine when you’re stretched out on a beach chair. You can writhe in pleasure during a massage, while you eat a fantastic meal, or when you’re in bed with a sexually-accomplished partner, which is my favorite kind of writhing.

(Mary, these are all good examples, but that last one was inappropriate for a school essay, and you’ve received a five-point deduction).

Writhing in pain. This can happen when you’ve stubbed your toe, when you’ve eaten too much Mexican food, or when you drop a barbell on your foot. My father would writhe in pain when his back went out, and then my mom would writhe in pain when she would have wait on him since he was laid up. Writhing in pain is never good.

Writhing in boredom. This kind of writhing usually needs to be hidden, because it’s not nice to let other people see that you’re bored of them. There are many phone emojis you can use to indicate boredom without writhing visibly. Examples like long tedious staff meetings, Zoom conferences, extended church sermons, Civil war documentaries, Peloton pep talk and March madness basketball all can cause someone to writhe in boredom.

Writhing in annoyance. The reasons people writhe in annoyance are varied. Someone might writhe in annoyance watching someone else open a Christmas gift too slowly. Another person might writhe in annoyance watching someone else try to thread a needle. Another might writhe with annoyance having to write a dumb essay. Even another person might writhe in annoyance at how slowly it takes her lover to put a condom on. There are many ways people writhe in annoyance.

(Mary, you were warned. Another five-point deduction).

Writhing in embarrassment. Sometimes something is so awkward in life that it manifests itself physically. Maybe you remember something dumb you said to a cute boy in eighth grade, and the thought of it makes you writhe. Maybe your mom just HAS to introduce you to someone you knew when you were a baby but whom you don’t remember at all, and you writhe as she pinches your cheeks. Maybe it’s your turn to introduce yourself in class to a bunch of stupid-heads, and as you pronounce your name, it sounds so annoying that you begin to writhe. Maybe you try to talk dirty in bed, but you just can’t pull it off, and the thought of the things you said make you writhe. Those are some examples of writhing in embarrassment.

(Mary, please see me after class).

In conclusion, I would like to quote Henry Miller who said, “writhing is its own reward.”

Har Har

Has the world gone mad?

Listen, there’s no way anyone is going to goad me into blogging about Afghanistan. Even if I had the intellectual acumen to tackle that subject, I don’t possess even the DRAM of knowledge needed about Afghanistan politics to be proselytizing about it. And if I lack the confidence to discuss a topic intelligently and fluently, I keep my mouth shut. I promise I’m watching the news and learning as much as I can. It took me two whole days just to research the similarities between the fall of Afghanistan and the fall of Saigon.

So until the time that I have either educated myself fully or been appointed to a chair on the Committee on Foreign Relations, please consult your smart Uncle Stan, Grandpa Joe, your AP History teacher, or Quora about Afghanistan. And please don’t email me questions about it. I mean, you can if you want, as long as you don’t mind being ignored.

I send news blurbs twice a week through my marketing team to a national publicity summit, in order to garner radio and television interviews. Sometimes my stuff hits, sometimes it doesn’t. The subjects are different every week, and the last blurb of mine that went viral was my likening the reunion between Ben Affleck and JLo to homemade macaroni and cheese.

Deep stuff.

What do you mean, you don’t see the analogy there? Isn’t it blatant?

This week the subjects were Afghanistan women, masks in schools, and family vacations gone bad. And while I assure you I have a very distinct opinion about the fate of Afghanistan women in the wake of the resurgence of the Taliban, that is all it is for now. Opinion. So I opted out of that one, until I can research further so as to write clearly about it.

And family vacations gone bad? Hell yeah, I can write a book on that one.

As far as how masks and this new Delta variant affects schools and students, I need to be careful, as a teacher. I exist in the classroom to provide my students with fair, unbiased and safe instruction. That’s where it ends. So I will leave it to the brilliant Onion to give you the laughs in this slideshow titled, “Things Every Teacher Returning This Fall is Dreading.” I will embed below, but please note this is a slideshow for people with a sense of humor. If you are a Debbie Downer (wah wah), go back and brood in your darkened closet while the rest of us yuk it up and remember that life is too important to take TOO seriously.

https://www.theonion.com/things-every-teacher-returning-this-fall-is-dreading-1847484812

Ten Scrolls

I was not delivered into this world into defeat,

nor does failure course through my veins.

I am not a sheep waiting to be

prodded by my shepherd.

I am a lion

and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep

with the sheep.

The slaughterhouse of failure

is not my destiny

-Og Mandino

What do you say to your kid leaving for college? Good question.

If you’re sending your son or daughter off to college for the first time in a few weeks, you may feel fine. And your kid feels fine. You go shopping with him for a mini-fridge, and the price is fine. You move her into her dorm room, put up her twinkle lights, and they look fine. You take him out to lunch before you leave, and your salad is fine, and his chicken fingers are fine. And maybe your child already knows his roommate, and they get along fine. Maybe she doesn’t know anyone on campus yet, but she seems fine.

And it might be fine. But at some point, maybe you’ll be standing in your kitchen, or driving to work, or settling in at night for bed, and it won’t feel fine. Because it feels wrong. Unnatural. You can’t stop thinking about your kid, alone and unsupervised, and your brain goes into overdrive.

Is she lonely? Hungry? Nervous? What if he can’t find his way around? What if he oversleeps? What if he’s depressed but afraid to tell me? What if she’s overwhelmed? Scared shitless? What if he gets the flu and has no one to bring him juice and soup and comic books? What if she can’t get the WIFI going?

What if, what if, what if…

This happened to me, three times. The third time was the easiest of the three. The last kid is always the easiest, because they’re so darn independent. This was how my conversation went with my youngest when we were done moving his stuff into his dorm room and making his bed.

Me: Well…I guess that’s it.

Tommy: Yep.

Me: Do you want help with anything else?

Tommy: No, I think I’m good.

Me: Do you want me to hang up your clothes?

Tommy: No, Mom, it’s ok.

Me: Do you want to go get lunch?

Tommy: I just ate on the way here, remember?

Me: Oh yeah. But what will you do for dinner?

Tommy: I’ll figure it out.

Me: Ok. There’s a dining hall across the way…

Tommy: Mom.

Me: Ok, ok. Well, I guess I’ll go. Who will you eat with?

Tommy: Mom.

Me: Don’t forget that you can use your ID to work the washers and dryers.

Tommy: Mom, I know.

Me: And remember to leave your door open, so that when the other kids move in later they’ll pop their heads in to say hi. That’s how you make friends.

Tommy: MOM.

Me: I know, ok, ok. Well, I guess I’ll be going….(I sit down on his bed)

Tommy: Mom. Go. It’s going to be fine.

Me: Of course it is. Don’t forget to ask your RA about the WIFI…

Tommy: MOM!!

Me: Ok, I’m going now! Good luck (Hug).

Tommy: Thanks. And don’t worry, everything is fine.

Me: Of course it is.

And it will be fine. In a few weeks, it will no longer seem unnatural or wrong that they’re gone. Your kid will come through it like a trooper, and will figure everything out. And he’ll make friends, more friends than you can imagine.

Until then, if you want to send your child off with something other than a lecture, bed risers and cash, give him a copy of this book. I re-read this book once a year, and every human being on Earth should get a copy of it when he’s born. Enough with Oh, the Places You’ll Go. Give your kid a copy of Og Mandino’s The Greatest Salesman in the World, and let him take advantage of the sage advice contained in 100 pages:

Guide me in my venture, for this day I go out into the world alone, and without your hand I might wander from the path which leads to success and happiness.

Guide me so that I may acquire ability equal to my opportunities.

Teach me how to hunt with words and prosper with love.

Help me to remain humble through obstacles and failures, yet not hide from my eyes the prize that will come with victory.

Confront me with fears that will temper my spirit, yet endow me with courage to laugh at my misgivings.

Give me sufficient days to reach my goals, yet help me to live this day as though it be my last.

Guide me in my words yet silence me from gossip.

Discipline me in the habit of trying and trying again.

Bathe me in good habits that the bad ones might drown, yet grant me compassion for weaknesses in others

And let me become all you planned for me when I was born.

And remember. They WILL be fine.

School Daze

small chalkboard

It’s been a helluva week. Fifteen-hour work days for me, how about you? I’m ready to kick back, have some drinks, see some family and do a whole lotta nuthin’ this weekend.

Let me start by saying this: Who knows what school shopping is going to look like in a few weeks? But what we do know is that big box stores are already issuing mask regulations, and the rest will be sure to follow.

Now, this is not a political blog, nor am I a member of the CDC. However, as someone who got vaccinated in MAY so that I could travel and live and work unencumbered, no one, I repeat, NO ONE, is going to tell me to put a mask back on my face when I’m shopping.

You wanna yell at me and call me names? Bring it on. I will say no more about the situation, but if I have to get Jeff Bezos richer by shopping on Amazon so as to avoid strapping on a face diaper at Target, so be it.

I’ve said my peace.

I don’t have school-aged children anymore, but I’m still a teacher, and I still love the whole idea of school supplies. Here are some of the cutest around:

For Stay-at-Home Mom: Kim Crawford Cans. Grab a friend and some of these pretty wine cans and have a picnic on the beach without the kids.

For Working Mom: Is your back hurting from sitting at your desk or working on the computer? Mine was, so I got this adjustable stand for myself so as to work standing up at my kitchen counter. Game changer, and reasonably priced.

For All Moms: The Ruched Sleeveless Tank Bodycon Dress. This dress on Amazon comes in forty colors, looks great on, and is only $30. I have it in black, blue and forest green, and I’m eyeing up the red. I wear it to run errands, go to brunch with girlfriends, travel, and even to attend church. I absolutely love love love this dress. Size up, it’s not as giving as it looks.

For Dad: To Do 3 x 5 Vertical Note Cards from Levenger. Dad does a lot for the household, and works hard. And now that fall is starting, he may even be volunteering at the kids’ schools or coaching their rec soccer teams. Help him stay organized. These are super sharp, and he can just leave them in his car, or in his briefcase.

For Date Night: Take some time for yourselves. Call that high school student who likes your kids, and use this link to plan a great date night.

For Elementary School Tikes: Sooez File Folders. So stinking cute, and in pretty primary colors with irresistible smiley faces sure to crack your kid up. But hopefully not while in class! And how about this fuzzy llama pencil storage case? Cuteness!

For Junior High: Junior-high is all about the cool backpack, you know that, right? Don’t gulp at the price- backpacks go through a lot during the school year, so get a sturdy one for your kid. My sons all loved Herschel backpacks. I’ll just give you the link, but let me warn you: the cool ones go quick, so get your student the one he or she likes NOW.

For High School: Fun pens in crazy colors will keep things lively. How about these?

For College Student: What he really wants and needs is money, we know that. But also get your college student bed risers. They’re indispensable.