The scale is a jealous lying whore who misses bread.
Whenever any woman steps on the scale while on a diet, there should be a list of positive affirmations taped above her head. Picture it: You had a perfect week. You didn’t eat too little or too much. You cut out excess sugar and salt. You have tons of energy, your clothes feel looser, your face looks thinner. You got to the gym, guzzled water, got plenty of sleep. You wake up on weigh-in day not wondering if you lost, but how much you lost. One pound? Two? Three? Is it possible you lost three pounds? You strip, take out your earrings, remove your rings and your fingernail polish, step on the scale, anticipating that number…
…only to see that you gained a half-pound. How. The. Fuck. Can. That. Be.
A list of positive affirmations could come in very handy on a disappointing weigh-in day, because then one could look away from the scale, scan the affirmations and choose one of the following:
- Muscle weighs more than fat! (I have literally never understood wtf that means)
- Weight fluctuates! (Yeah, no shit, Sherlock)
- Bowels!
- Too much water! (The human body is already 70% water, how is this a thing?)
- Not enough water! (Again)
- Salt! (If the human body already has 40 teaspoons of salt in it, isn’t low sodium broth just an afterthought? Can it really throw off that delicate balance?)
- It has to be the medication! (Hair gummies weigh eight ounces?)
- You ate in front of the tv again! (Is the salad one consumes while watching the news more calorically loaded than the salad one consumes while staring into space?)
- I told you not to eat those five extra almonds! ( )
- You must be getting your period! (That ship has sailed, fren)
- Your diet is too low-fat! (Well, hell then, looks like it’s time to bake a homemade mascarpone cake)
Fuck all of that. If I’m following the diet perfectly, what does it matter what the scale says? I’m judging these next three weeks by my complexion. My hair. My mood. My clothes. My energy, my vibrancy, my lifeforce. I’m feeling pretty darn fantastic right now. And if that ain’t good enough for the dieting goddesses, then screw ‘em. As far as I’m concerned, they’re whores, too.
Check in with me tomorrow, if you want a good laugh.