It’s the “Lexus in the Driveway With a Big Red Bow on the Top” television commercial season.
(Proud purchaser leads perfectly dressed and groomed spouse to driveway)
“Close your eyes and don’t look until I say so.”
(Stops perfectly dressed and groomed spouse in front of car)
“Ok, you can look now.”
(Uncovers spouses’s eyes with a flourish and says “Ta dahhhhh!!!”)
“Oh my God!!!!”
(Squealing and celebrating and hugging).
The End. And very cute. But let me parody how it would really go.
(Proud purchaser leads bedraggled spouse to driveway. Spouse has not yet had coffee)
“Don’t look until I say so.”
(Bedraggled spouse sighs impatiently).
“I have to grab a shower before your whole family gets here, and I haven’t even started the turkey, can we get on with this?”
“Hold on, we’re almost there.”
“This had better not be a puppy.”
“You can look now. Ta dahhhhh!!!!!”
“Oh my God!!!!”
(Squealing and celebrating and hugging).
“You like it?”
“Yes, but…how did you afford this?”
“You let me worry about that. Want to take it for a test drive?”
“No, seriously, how did you afford this? Like, how much did you put down?”
“Don’t worry about it. Climb inside, it’s got all the features you love.”
“No, I’m not getting in it until you answer my question. What are the monthly payments? Did you withdraw from your 401k?”
“It’s a gift! Part of the gift is that the particulars do not concern you.”
“Don’t concern me? The particulars don’t concern me? How can you say that? Of course they concern me! I’m concerned, very concerned, that you made a rash purchase without thinking it through clearly or even asking my opinion on it! It would be like surprising me with a puppy. It’s not just a puppy, it’s a lifetime commitment!”
(Purchaser stares at spouse)
“Why are you giving me a hard time?”
“I’m not, it’s just that we owe tuition next month, and I’m wondering if this is really a purchase that is financially feasible right now. I mean, can you still return it?”
(Purchaser stares at bedraggled spouse)
“Return it? Are you serious?”
“Dead serious. It’s a nice gesture, hon, but a little excessive.”
(Purchaser rips bow off the hood).
“Forget it, then. Forget I tried to surprise you with your dream car.”
(Purchaser stalks away towards house, throws bow in yard. Spouse follows)
“And why a red bow? That’s not even my favorite color. Did you pay extra for that?”
The End. Happy Weekend.