(I am forced to post this early on Sunday afternoon from a mountain resort bar. Go away, don’t read it until tomorrow morning as usual. I have reached the Bermuda Triangle of the technology world. My blog thinks I’m an administrator. BlueHost thinks I’m a bitch. WordPress thinks I’m insane. And all I wanna do is freaking ski. So here it is. Thanks for your patience, we’re all gonna need it).
There are few certainties in life. But some we know for sure, right? Death. Taxes. Ted Danson is in another sitcom.
And we can all agree that Grandpa Joe was an asshole. He laid around pretending to be sick for twenty years until it was time to dance around the room and celebrate Charlie finding the Golden Ticket. To make matters worse, he stole fizzy-lifting drinks and almost got Charlie disqualified. I mean, what a dick. He’s supposed to be the adult, in charge of his impulses. If I was Charlie, I wouldn’t have let Grandpa Joe and those other freeloading old bags move into my chocolate factory. Just my mom. Start fresh, no baggage. Just getting those Oompa-Loompas under control would have been a project in itself.
And let me add that it was Heather’s fault that Kevin got left home alone. She never caught any heat for miscounting. She had one job, count the kids, and she fucked it up. Even if that other kid did look like Kevin from behind, no one ever confronted her or asked her to explain herself. If I was that mom, I would have made Heather make the trip back with me, in reparation.
Yeah, and ok, Jenny only wanted Forrest once he was a military hero and shrimping millionaire. She used him to raise her son while she died of AIDS. But let’s move to the most burning question of all:
Could Jack have fit on that door?
This is no small debate. There are entire websites devoted to answering this question. A Newsweek article says yes, when scientifically calculated, he could have fit, easily. But only if Jack and Rose had had the wherewithal to tie a lifejacket under the door to make it more buoyant. But were they able to think clearly? Hypothermia can be disorienting.
So I don’t think the question here is “Could he have fit?” I don’t even think the question is, “Why didn’t he try harder?” I think the question is, “What if he had fit? And they had both survived?”
Some Alternate Endings
(All scenarios assume that the Heart of the Ocean was in Rose’s jacket pocket):
- As Jack and Rose defrost aboard the Carpathia, Cal finds them in the steerage section, and he kills Jack. Rose is forced into marriage with Cal, and lives a life of abuse and despair. When Cal loses all of his money in the crash, including the money he gets to pawn the Heart of the Ocean, he shoots Rose first, and then himself.
- Cal finds Rose and Jack in the steerage section, and has Jack arrested. Jack does his time in jail, is released, and goes back to his art. Cal shoots himself when the stocks crash and Rose, now a penniless widow, goes in search of Jack, her true love. She finds him, they marry, and live happily together.
- Same as above, but when Rose finally finds Jack, he rejects her, blaming her for his lot in life. She becomes a lady of the street, never recovering from Jack’s rejection. Jack flourishes, his art career eventually funded by the Unsinkable Molly Brown.
- Cal never finds Jack and Rose on the Carpathia. They leave the boat together in New York and Rose, not knowing the necklace is in the jacket, throws the jacket away in a trash bin because it is part of her “old life.” They marry and live happily ever after. Necklace is never seen again.
- Never discovered by Cal on the Carpathia, Jack and Rose leave the boat together. Rose tosses jacket. After a few months of slumming it as the wife of an impoverished artist, Rose discovers that she is unable to live a common lifestyle, and leaves Jack. She returns to her mother and Cal, claiming insanity and amnesia, and they bring her back into the fold of wealth and luxury. Eventually they all end up dead of murder/suicide.
- Jack and Rose leave the boat together, Rose tosses the jacket, and they get married. Rose, not suited to a life of hard labor, refuses to work and insists that they live off of Jack’s meager earnings as an artist. She spends every penny he makes on hats and gloves and dresses. Jack regrets having saved Rose from falling overboard and wishes he had never climbed onto that door.
- Jack and Rose leave the boat together, get married, and anonymously turn the Heart of the Ocean over to a museum. They live off of the reward money and live a happy life. Cal gets wind that the necklace has been turned in, and now knows Rose is alive. Cal goes in search of her, never finds her, but never gives up trying until the day he dies.
- Same as above, but Cal finds Rose, and kills both Rose and Jack. Cal goes to jail.
- Same as above, but Cal finds Rose, Jack kills Cal. Jack goes to jail.
- Same as above, but Cal finds Rose, Rose kills Cal in self-defense.
- Jack and Rose leave the boat, get married, sell the Heart of the Ocean, and become the richest people in the country. They never see Cal again. They have children but live affluent empty lives, forgetting why they fell in love in the first place. Rose accuses Jack of becoming a pretentious bastard like Cal was, and Jack accuses Rose of trying to keep him from succeeding in life. She tells Jack that everything he has is because of her, and he tells her that if it wasn’t for him, she would be goldfish food at the bottom of the North Atlantic. They privately fund Monet’s work, and become art dealers. They fall out of love, have a series of empty affairs, and end up divorced. Jack marries Monet’s 21-year old daughter and Rose never remarries, choosing instead to ride horses in Coney Island for a living. They get together for family birthday parties, and try to remain civil.
To wit: it has always struck me that if Rose truly loved Jack, if she truly wanted to be with him in death, she wouldn’t have thrown the necklace overboard. She would have thrown herself overboard. She could have given the necklace to the treasure-seeker guys. It’s implied that Bill Paxton is going to end up with the granddaughter, so if Rose had given him the necklace, it would have benefitted her granddaughter, too. Wouldn’t that have been a more fitting testimony to the love she had for Jack? Her body now at rest with his body?
I think James Cameron missed the boat on that one.