Mary Oves, intrepid traveler, arrives at airport early for her first flight. Breakfast eaten, Ruby Woo lipstick freshly applied, all things on her checklist done, passport and boarding passes ready, she heads to security.
Oves detects danger when security branches off in two directions, and she eyes the situation. To the right is a mother with two squirmy stained toddlers and in back of them, an elderly woman moving like slow-moving sap who seems confused as to why she needs to remove her thick-heeled shoes. To the left is a middle-aged couple with only two duffle bags, and the woman is already heading through security. No brainer. Oves heads left.
TSA (looks through the man’s first duffel bag): Any waters, food, chips, Starbucks, cereal bars?
Man: Nope.
TSA: Laptops, cigarette lighters, e-cigarettes?
Man: Nah.
TSA: How about food for him? Treats?
Man: Oh, yeah (hands TSA guy a bag of small brown pellets).
(Oves is confused. “Him?” This is going to be so bad.)
TSA: Want to carry him?
Man: I don’t know if he’ll come out.
(They both motion to the second duffel bag)
Oves (to herself): Shit. (Makes a move to other lane, but it is now ten deep).
TSA: He can’t go through in the duffel bag, but you can carry him through. His collar needs to be removed.
(Oves jumps as small furry cute creature size of a gerbil pokes his head out of duffel bag.)
Man: Copy that.
TSA: Ok, sir, you can go through when you’re ready.
Oves continues to wait and notices with great dismay that the right line she rejected earlier is now moving steadily and confidently.
Man: Ok, let’s go, Corn Nut (Picks up gerbil with one finger).
TSA guy: Hey, how’d you pick that name?
Man: It was a dare to name him after the last thing I ate.
Oves (to herself): Dear God.
Man and hamster walk into the security booth.
Different TSA guy (sounds aggravated): Raise your arms please.
Man: I can’t, I have my dog.
TSA: He’ll have to go through alone. You can’t hold him in the booth.
Man: That’s not what the other guy said.
TSA: Well, it’s what I’m saying. You need to go in and come out alone.
Man: Who will hold my dog? My wife already went through.
TSA: Someone will have to hold him and send him through alone.
Man: This is bullshit. Who will do that?
(On cue, heads swivel to look at Oves. Oves looks behind her to see who they’re looking for).
TSA: Ma’am, would you mind holding this man’s dog while he goes through, and then sending him through alone?
Oves: Seriously?
Man: Do you like dogs?
Oves: I love dogs.
Man: He’s super friendly.
Oves: I’m sure he is. But I’m not.
Man: C’mon, do me a solid.
Oves: A solid? I’ve been standing behind you for ten minutes now, that’s pretty solid.
Man: Please? (Extends guinea pig to Oves).
Oves: (sighs and takes dog). Fine. Corn Nut you said, right?
Man: Yeah.
Oves: (Looks at Corn Nut and can’t help but think how endearing his cute little pink tongue is. He can’t seem to pull it in, it hangs out of its own volition. Corn Nut stares into her soul).
Man: (Walks through, security beeps).
TSA: Did you empty your pockets, sir?
Man: Yeah. Could be my hip replacement.
(This goes on for another five minutes, as man goes in and out of security booth, finally with success).
Cranky TSA guy: Time for the dog. Ma’am, please hold onto your dog’s leash while your husband collects his personal items.
Oves: This is not my dog. And he’s not my husband. I mean, who eats corn nuts?
TSA: Whoever you are and whoever he is, send the dog through without a leash, please.
Oves: (puts Corn Nut on the ground). Ok, Corn Nut, get lost. I mean, go through.
Man and Woman (using baby voices): Come on angel, come to mommy and daddy.
Corn Nut stares at Oves dolefully.
Oves: Corn Nut. Go.
Corn Nut does nothing.
Man and Woman: Baby! Angel! Sweetums! Banana Custard Pie! Come!
Corn Nut scratches his ears, the size of two Frosted Flakes, stares back at Oves. There is no one in back of Oves, because everyone who approaches security avoids the shit show like it’s a plague.
Oves: Corn Nut. Go. Fuck off.
Corn Nut sits politely as mommy and daddy frantically search for treats to entice him through. He seems to be enjoying the debacle and appears to have absolutely no intention of listening to their endearments.
(Oves sees her pre-flight drinks disappearing, as her boarding time approaches. She must act).
Oves: (bends down and looks deep into Corn Nuts eyes): Corn Nut. I understand your reticence. I wouldn’t want to go with them either, especially if they called me Banana Custard Pie. Our time together has been wonderful, significant even, but it’s at an end. You don’t understand. If you don’t go through, I can’t have a drink before I board. And that’s unacceptable. You must go with those miscreants to whom you belong. Now, shoo.
Man and Woman: Ooooh, Corn Nut, look what we have. Coooooookies!
Corn Nut finally goes through and does not set off the security beeper, most likely due to the fact that he does NOT have a hip replacement.
TSA (goes through Oves bag): Any laptops, cigarette lighters, e-cigarettes?
Oves: Just fucking let me through.