Day 10 of Mary’s diet. Meeting commences. All key players are in attendance: Brain, Blood, Muscles, Fat, Proteins, Carbs, and Vital Organs.
All look around at each other.
Brain: So who wants to kick this off?
Muscles: Well, since I have the most to lose in this situation, I’ll start. This is ridiculous.
Carbs: I agree.
Blood: Me, too.
Protein: Not me. I feel great.
Fat: Me, too. But I’m worried.
Brain: (To Fat) About what? We’re obviously in a state of threat. We’ll do what we have to do in this situation, like we have for millions of years. Store more of you.
Fat: I don’t think that’s the answer. Besides, I don’t think we’re in a state of threat. I think she’s just trying to get ready for bathing suit season. Would it kill us to let her step on the scale and lose a few?
Protein: It literally could. We’re here to protect her, like we have for 54 years. We’ve been through this before. This could have been a Zoom meeting…
Carbs: (To Protein) Oh, sure, that’s easy for you to say. There’s a steady supply of you flowing through her system, no interruption there. You never think of anyone except yourself. What about me? I am being restricted, and I don’t like it.
Blood: Stop exaggerating. Just because there’s less of you doesn’t mean that there’s none of you. She had too much of you, anyway. How about me? I hate making her cold.
Muscles: So don’t.
Blood: Oh, ok, sure, just like that, right? (Rolls eyes)
Muscles: Listen, I can’t afford to shrink. She’s worked hard at the gym for three years.
Protein: Don’t you ever read the medical journal articles? She’s not starving to death. You’re not going to shrink, for God’s sakes, she works on you at the gym. I for one am proud of her. She’s doing this in a healthy way.
Fat: Right. So I don’t see what harm there could be in rewarding her on the scale. That’s all I’m saying. If I’m willing to cut back, why should that be a problem with any of you?
Brain: Because don’t you get it? She will need her fat stores to keep her alive in the next few months, we can’t afford to….
Carbs: Blah, blah, blah, same thing every time. We’re not in the new Ice Age, for God’s sake. It’s just February in New Jersey. Can you please stop overthinking this situation?
Brains: Overthinking is what I do. Besides, we did reward her last week. Remember how excited she was?
Muscles: Water weight. It was water weight. She knows perfectly well it was water weight. (Turns to Kidney) And where the hell were you in this situation?
Kidney (Indignantly) Where was I? Babysitting her in the damn bathroom every eight minutes, that’s where!
Liver: Me, too.
Heart: Hold on now, let’s not get away from the main argument, which is that I just need to keep pumping, so who cares whether it’s water weight or any other kind of weight?
Proteins: Well said. Listen, I don’t feel like sitting here and listening to a semantical argument. I have a pretty serious lunch date with her in a few hours, so can we wrap this up?
Fat: I’m going to that lunch too.
Protein: (Turns to Fat dubiously) How so?
Fat: (Smiles knowingly) Avocado.
Protein: Ah. Yes. Good.
Carbs: (Clearly bummed) How was I not invited to this lunch thing?
Fat and Protein look sideways at each other, uncomfortable.
Fat: Well, it’s Big Salad Day.
Carbs: So?
Protein: She doesn’t have carbs on Big Salad Day.
Carbs: (Frustrated) A few crackers? A small roll? A crouton? Would it kill her to throw in a crouton?
Silence around the table.
Brain: Yes. Well. I’m sure we all are very busy, so if we could come to some sort of solution to this problem…
Muscles: You’re the problem, don’t you get it? It starts with you! You have to stop sending us messages that she is starving. She’s getting plenty of calories, drinking water, exercising. Sending us signals that she’s starving makes all of our jobs harder.
Brain:
Everyone stares at Brain.
Brain: Fine. We’ll let her have some success on the scale. Next week. And only if she keeps eating healthy and hydrating. But if I see even the slightest indication that she is in a state of threat, it’ll be their heads on the chopping block!
He motions to the Vital Organs. They shrink in horror.
Blood: Fine. I think we can all agree on that, right, everyone?
All nod in agreement.
Fat: So. How much? How much of me can you spare? She’s been working so hard.
Brain: (Gives Fat a patient level glance) Working hard? Let’s not exaggerate. It’s only been ten days. You remember Montana? Scottsdale? Colorado?
Everyone smiles, remembering those carefree days.
Brain: My point exactly. No need to let her think it’s too easy. We want to keep her safe. Agreed?
Everyone nods and rises to leave.
Brain to Muscles: Keep building! (Muscles salute and leave)
Brain to Blood: Keep her warm! (Blood salutes and leaves)
Brain to Fat, Proteins, and Carbs: Work together! (They salute and leave)
Brain to Vital Organs: Keep pumping and flushing and detoxifying! (They salute and leave).
Brain gives big sigh, taps fingers on conference table, wondering how much fat will be in that avocado.