I’ve wanted to write this post about dating athletes for a long time. No offense intended here, so have fun!
Surfers:
Surfers are absolutely the worst athletes to date. Nothing matters to them except “shredding the gnar.” If the waves are good, they practically become asexual, like slime molds, and sea stars. No matter how gorgeous you look in that bikini, if you are passing a cute surfer on the left and the waves are on the right, you will get nothing but an indifferent (albeit curious) glance. If they are very passionate about surfing, they are often gone. This is because if there are no waves where they are, they will travel to where there ARE waves. They are always covered in sand, and have a high risk for skin cancer later in life.
Benefits? They’re always tan and encourage you to do nothing except sit on the beach, if that’s your life goal.
Wrestlers:
Depending on his weight class and intensity, and whether he wrestles year-round, you could be stuck with a very hangry man. You cannot bake or cook if he’s around. You can’t go out to eat, you cannot eat in front of him, and you can’t even entertain the notion of food until the end of wrestling season. They’re always trying to cut weight, and you might even catch them doing pushups while wrapped in a trash bag.
Benefits? They can contort their bodies in a variety of ways, which is super fun. They like to put you in gentle half-nelsons, which is cute and sexy. You can feel safe with a wrestler, because they can easily diffuse any physical confrontation. I’ve seen skilled wrestlers take down men thirty pounds heavier with just a snicker, a flick of a wrist and the sweep of a leg. Things ease up when he finally becomes a wrestling coach, and tortures others instead of himself.
Runners:
They are always running, and most likely want you to run with them. This is bad, unless you are also a runner, which means you’re annoying AF as well. These men run on vacation and do 5ks on holidays. They carry energy gels everywhere they go, and when they run marathons, they wear diapers. Runners are very thin, so keep that in mind for pictures.
Benefits? Great cardiovascular systems. I can’t think of anything else. Who wants to run everywhere? I simply don’t see the appeal.
Gym rats:
These guys are always jittery from pre-workout and eating probiotic meals. They are constantly sore from leg day, and always complaining about their traps and lats. They look at themselves more than they look at you, and get secret spray tans. They dream of peanut butter, have kettlebells in the living room, and protein powder in the kitchen. They use strange terminology like “keto” and “AMRAPS,” and tend to use the word “Dude” a lot, which is fine unless they use it to refer to you, which is not sexy.
Benefits? Muscles. And their sport only takes a couple of hours a day, and it’s not televised.
Football players:
They are super fun and always bulking up, so they will always want to take you to get food, which is yay! But they might do dumb things like crush beer cans on their heads or flip cars with the entire defensive end. In the fall you will want to go to pumpkin patches but he will want to watch football all day, and then play a game of touch football at halftime. They are very strong and tough, and no one will mess with you. If they get hit on the head a lot they might already be dumb, or dumb later in life. They will have heated arguments with their buddies over which version of “The Longest Yard” is better. They have a huge friend group, and you will have to compete with them.
Benefits? Your family will love him. Your dad and brothers because he plays a blood sport, and your mom because he is a big, squishy, sweet bear of a man. You can get lost in his hugs, and you always look small next to him in photos.
Golfers:
These athletes are gone anywhere from four to twelve hours at a time. If they work during the week, they will risk not only your ire but life and limb to golf with buddies on the weekends. You must let him, because you can’t win the fight. They will use any long straight object to swing like a club in the yard and living room, and will obsess over their handicaps. As a golfer, let me just say: don’t get involved with a golfer unless you have high self-esteem and your own hobbies. Something you can do all day while he golfs. Because the golf bug never leaves you. Meet him for drinks afterward, or learn to golf yourself.
Benefits: Usually wealthy, accomplished, smart, good-looking, or any combination of those. Will ask you to join him on golf vacations, and will encourage you to get facials and massages so he can golf. Take him up on it, silly.
Skiers:
Skiing is super expensive, so he must have money.
Benefits: See above.
Bikers:
Everyone hates bikers, because they take up the road. You must forgive this societal stigma if you like him. Also, his ass and legs are skinnier than yours. This is almost unforgiveable.
Benefits: When you break up with him, he has transportation home.
Basketball players:
I know nothing about basketball or basketball players except that they’re tall.
Benefits: You will have tall children.
Hikers/Rock Climbers/Mountain Climbers:
The altitude supposedly affects the left hemisphere of the brain. Eventually.
Benefits: Erections form in the right hemisphere of the brain.