Have you ever sat across from someone when you’re out to eat, and you watch them eat and just think to yourself:
“Ew.”
I ask friends that all the time.
“Am I gross when I eat?”
“What?”
“Like when you sit across from me and watch me eat, are you repulsed?”
“No, why are you asking me that?”
“Because I need to know these things about myself.”
I want to know if eat badly. If I snore. If I’m badly dressed. If my hair is appropriate for someone my age. If I’m long-winded when I tell a story, or if I’m boring. I need to know these things, and I count on my close friends to tell me the truth.
The first time it occurred to me that some actors just shouldn’t eat on screen was during the movie “America’s Sweethearts.” Julia Roberts, having just been jilted by John Cusack, is shoving pancakes into her face and, while talking with her mouth full, begs the waitress for extra butter. Ew. I’m aware that it’s supposed to be gross- her character lost weight by giving up carbs, so she is enjoying a gastronomic carb fest by eating the whole buffet. But just as in the movie (I hated) “Eat Pray Love,” Julia Roberts should never, ever be shown eating on screen. There’s something about her mouth that makes it look as if a wide-mouthed bass is eating for your entertainment.
Julia, stop eating on screen. Please.
Some eating scenes are pleasurable. I could watch the scene in which Anton Ego eats ratatouille a million times. Same with John Travolta’s double pizza slice in “Saturday Night Fever.” But some actors can’t pull it off.
Amy Adams in “Julie and Julia.” This movie was all about food, and watching Amy Adams talk about and then eat poached eggs is repugnant. Something about her face, her hands and her voice that makes it just not work.
Jennifer Lopez eating pizza in “Selena.” Overdone, and yuk.
Super obscure, but Andie Macdowell in the movie “Michael.” Her character supposedly loves pie, even wrote a song about pie, but watching her eat different pies at the table was more of the same: a gorgeous brunette who simply can’t convince the audience that she’s really eating and enjoying.
Jerry Seinfeld. There’s no bigger Seinfeld fan, but the Sein is way too dainty or something. When he eats a bowl of cereal or anything in the coffee shop, I’m just not buying it. His little mouse bites make me want to scream, “Just eat already!”
Uma’s cheeseburger in “Pulp Fiction.” Uma never takes a real bite of that sandwich, and it’s maddening. She just kind of stares at John Travolta over the bun. You know Uma Thurman ain’t never scarfed a burger in her life, and it shows in that scene.
Bryce Dallas Howard eating the Terrible-Awful in “The Help.” Maybe because the pie was made of shit, but watching Howard scarf chocolate pie was just so unsatisfying.
Here’s hoping this weekend that you’re enjoying. Best!