“When writer Kayleigh has her column cancelled before Christmas, she heads home to reconnect with family. Sparks fly when she gets an unexpected visit from the man who cancelled her column.”
“At Christmas, a cheerful publicist teams up with a cynical VP and his eclectic team to help a charity in need.”
“After Avery’s storybook Christmas wedding is canceled, a dance instructor helps her face her fears in life and fulfill her dream of learning to dance.”
Good grief.
Am I the only woman alive who finds the Hallmark movie channel insufferable, especially around the holidays? Who can watch these things sober? The saccharine-sweetness of the movie plots make my gums bleed, and the characters are like one-dimensional paper dolls cut out of a Sears Christmas catalog. But I have a friend who watches the Hallmark channel religiously, and she has informed me that the corniness is exactly what brings women back to watch these movies every Christmas. Supposedly Hallmark movies are guilty pleasures that have the ability to transport you back to when dating boys was romantic, to when it actually snowed at Christmas, and to when one actually owned a red pea-coat.
But I just can’t do it. The dialogue is so contrived, the titles so sappy, the characters so dopey. And Aunt Becky must have put Candace Cameron Bure in her professional will before she headed off to the slammer, because CCB has taken Aunt Becky’s place as the star in about eighty different Hallmark Christmas movies. Rounding out the all-star cast in the Christmas Hallmark movie line-up for 2020 are heavy-hitters like Winnie Cooper from “The Wonder Years” and Claudia from “Party of Five.”
(CCB had a great moment last week. One of those life-defining moments. She posted an Instagram picture of herself standing next to her husband of 25 years, as he lovingly draped his arm over her shoulder and gently cupped her right breast. The backlash that followed was to be expected, and Christian groups put CCB through the ringer, complaining of the inappropriate nature of the photo and her obvious lack of morals and modesty.
CCB wasn’t having it.
“I’ve been married for 24 years. I’m a Christian, my husband’s a Christian and I’m really proud that we’ve managed to stay married for 24 years. And the fact that we have fun and we flirt together, this is part of what makes our marriage work.”
Hell ya D.J.! Get ‘em! Don’t back down!)
One night, as I flipped through the Christmas titles on Hallmark, I could feel my brain doing what it does when it wants to amuse itself. There was something funny about the cheesy titles, something that I couldn’t put my finger on.
The plot lines were just implausible. I mean, this stuff doesn’t happen in real life. Kayleigh gets her column cancelled then her editor shows up at her door? That would never happen. Budget cuts are what they are, and no editor would travel halfway across the country to find some dime-a-dozen column writer. Newspaper editors aren’t sentimental like that, that’s why they’re newspaper editors. They’ll slash your 750-word op-ed to 50 words without an explanation, tell you that you are a no-talent piece-of-shit, and then expect you to be grateful for the chance to fix it. Which you are.
God, I miss the newspaper business.
My brain kept getting closer to the connection. What did these unlikely Hallmark movie expositions remind me of? Then it hit me.
Porn movie titles! Right? Now, if you don’t find humor in porn movie titles, you’d be well-advised to stop reading now, because I DO find humor in porn movie titles.
How can you not? And where is your sense of humor? Mine is in the gutter, last time I checked, but know this: I am neither advocating the porn industry nor proclaiming my interest in it nor trying to blaspheme Christmas. It’s just that both Hallmark and the Playboy channels advertise movie titles that tickle my funny bone, and my warped brain considered how funny it would be if Hallmark and Playboy, two cable titans that couldn’t be on more opposite sides of the viewing spectrum, were to join forces at Christmas, and let the actors and actresses blend their genres. I began my research.
Side note: As I flipped through the Playboy channels while taking notes in my notebook, I didn’t hear my son coming down the stairs behind me, so intent was I on my research. I was laughing quietly as I jotted down titles, and I heard my son clear his throat.
“Mom.”
I stopped writing to look back at him.
“Yes?”
Gesturing to the television. “What the hell is this?”
“Nothing. Research.”
“’Hard, Rammed and Jammed’? That’s your research?”
“Well, not necessarily that particular title. But unfortunately, yes.”
I continued to scroll, laughing out loud at the title “Whitetail Frenzy,” before realizing that I had somehow landed on a hunting channel. The irony not lost on me, I returned to “Hard, Rammed and Jammed.”
He looked at me, then back to the television.
“Please tell me that you’re not renting that.”
“Christ, of course not, honey.”
“Thank God. L. is coming over, can we watch The Hallmark Channel on this television when she gets here?
“Sure.”
“Thanks.”
He walked out, shaking his head, muttering something about something. Who knows.
Here is my list if Hallmark and Playboy joined forces:
Top-Ten Christmas movies on the newly formed Playmark Channel:
“Sleazy Hot Incarcerated Girls Write Letters to Santa”
“Quarantine Cuties Do a Holiday Waltz”
“A Cookie-Cutter Christmas With Juggalicious Threesomes”
“Hoes, Hoes, Hoes, Merry Christmas!”
“All I Want for Christmas is a Twelve-Inch Shaft”
“Two Fitness Hotties Who Work Big Equipment Sing a Christmas Duet”
“Christmas Royals Crave Christmas Meat”
“A Christmas Parade and Perfect Jugs”
“A Foursome on My Mind”
“Christmas Comes Twice” (This one really IS the name of the movie on Hallmark. It spoke for itself).